June/July

A secret shame,
Hath warped my mind,
And loosened all the ties that bind.

A private joy,
Hath warped my mind,
And left the thronging crowd behind.

Please

Please don’t laugh at her,
I’d miss her, were she dead,
Leave her free to err,
And laugh at me instead.

Girl

Girl, she’s looking good,
Sleek and soft, the brand new hair,
Beneath a vomit-tainted hood,
In the torture chair.

Forsaken [Scene 6]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. GOLGOTHA – AFTERNOON, BUT DARK
Quiet grunting as Jesus writhes on the Cross.

VAMPIRE
A few questions

JESUS
(gasps)
Very well

VAMPIRE
Why is it dark in the middle of the day? Your Father’s work?

JESUS
Yes

VAMPIRE
And where has the crowd gone?

JESUS
They were frightened. They know not what they do.

VAMPIRE
Why doesn’t He tell them? Why doesn’t He save you?

JESUS
It wouldn’t be right

VAMPIRE
(making an awkward joke)
Families, eh? I killed mine.

JESUS
How is Judas Iscariot? Does he enjoy his land?

VAMPIRE
Not anymore. When he heard you were to be crucified, he walked out in the middle of it and burnt away in the sunlight.

Gasping

VAMPIRE
I’m sorry, Lord.

JESUS
(weaker)
I forgive you

VAMPIRE
I could cut you down. I could even turn you.

JESUS
No

VAMPIRE
Please, let me help you

Vampire’s hand sizzles as he touches the Cross

VAMPIRE
The Cross burns me! Why?

JESUS
My Father is less forgiving.
(beat)
He wants you to feel a little of my pain.
(beat)
Forever more.

Gasping

JESUS
Go now
(beat)
The Sun will return.
(beat)
It is finished.

Forsaken [Scene 5]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. CHURCHYARD – NIGHT

PRIEST
"Then entered Satan into Judas surnamed Iscariot, being of the number of the twelve." Luke 22:3.

VAMPIRE
Somebody knows his stuff

PRIEST
You didn’t need to make Judas a vampire

VAMPIRE
I was hungry. And I needed to be sure he’d listen. It’s easier to do evil when everyone expects it of you.

PRIEST
How did you know the priests were planning to arrest Jesus?

VAMPIRE
I’d killed one the night before. I do so love the taste of self-righteousness. So, are you impressed?

PRIEST
I’m sickened. You conspired to kill the Son of God.

VAMPIRE
Yes, I did. Be sure to thank me for the salvation of mankind too.

PRIEST
Your intentions were evil. Any happy result was coincidental.

VAMPIRE
Where was your precious saviour when I needed saving? And where is he now, when you need him?

PRIEST
He’ll be there, on the other side

VAMPIRE
Yeah, maybe.

Priest screams as the vampire bites him

Forsaken [Scene 4]

A radio play written with Pasha
 

EXT. ANCIENT JERUSALEM STREET - NIGHT
Sound of revellers in the distance. Footsteps down a dark alley.

VAMPIRE
You there!

JUDAS
Yes?

VAMPIRE
You’re one of those Christians, aren’t you?

JUDAS
(boastful)
Indeed, I’m a close personal friend of the Messiah himself

VAMPIRE
I’d keep that quiet if I were you. Your man Jesus is starting to make a lot of enemies. Offending the powerful and ignoring the powerless.

JUDAS
He’d never ignore anyone in need

VAMPIRE
Oh, wouldn’t he? Then why are we all still at the mercy of Rome? And why did he turn me away when I asked him for help?

JUDAS
(scared)
Wait, you’re the demon who came to our fireside!

VAMPIRE
I’m not a demon

JUDAS
Your wiles won’t work here, demon

VAMPIRE
What wiles? All I’m saying is: can you honestly claim you’re completely satisfied with your Messiah?

JUDAS

(reluctant)
I did hope he might take more decisive action, but all in good time

VAMPIRE
You’ve devoted the best years of your life to following this man, and what has he ever done for you?

JUDAS
He’s shown me many great miracles

VAMPIRE
Miracles are fine, but will Jesus be there when you need a little money in your old age?

JUDAS
There are more important things than money

VAMPIRE
For Jesus, yes. He’ll never be short of admirers to help him out. But what about a poor, lowly disciple? Wouldn’t you like a piece of land to call your own?

JUDAS
I suppose so, yes, but I could never leave his service

VAMPIRE
If only you could make a little money for yourself, and also encourage the Messiah to be more decisive. It’d be a perfect situation for you, wouldn’t it?

JUDAS
In theory

VAMPIRE
Well then, how would you like to know that the chief priests are planning to arrest Jesus?

JUDAS
That’s terrible! I must warn him!

VAMPIRE
Why? If he’s as wonderful as you claim, won’t he be able to convince them of his rightness? And if they’re going to arrest him anyway, why not profit a little from it? Once you have the ear of the priests, you might even be able to intercede on his behalf.

JUDAS
I suppose...

VAMPIRE
Good. See, it’s only logic. No tricks. Now...

Judas screams as the vampire bites him

Forsaken [Scene 3]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. CHURCHYARD – NIGHT

PRIEST
Jesus? You met Jesus? Why should I believe you?

VAMPIRE
Why would I lie?

PRIEST
You’ve spent two thousand years drinking blood, but you baulk at a lie?

VAMPIRE
Lying is optional. Free will and all that. I drink blood because I have to.

PRIEST
You could’ve killed yourself, and rid us all of your evil

VAMPIRE
A lot of us sinners do eventually. Judas, for example.

Forsaken [Scene 2]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. ANCIENT JERUSALEM - NIGHT
Fire crackling. Low murmurs. Eating sounds.

FOLLOWER #1
Here he comes. Jesus of Nazareth.

An eerie hush falls.

JESUS
Thank you, brothers and sisters, for joining us tonight. Now, is there anyone here who would ask for my help?

JEWISH WOMAN
Lord, my son is blind

JESUS
Bring him here

Baby shrieks

JESUS
(tenderly)
Calm, child.

Sound of mud being gathered from the ground. Jesus spits.

JEWISH WOMAN
(upset)
You spit in my son's eyes?

JESUS
Have faith. Bathe your child in the tub, and he shall be healed.

Splashing water. Silence for a moment.

JEWISH WOMAN
(overjoyed)
His eyes follow my hand! It is a miracle!

DOUBTER
Cheap tricks

FOLLOWER #2
It seems the blind are plentiful tonight

DOUBTER
Even if you can heal – and I’m not saying I believe it, mind - they say you’ve healed on the Sabbath. And in the synagogues, no less. Isn’t that a sin?

FOLLOWER #2
Don't you people know better than to contradict the Messiah?

JESUS
Calm, brother. It is a common enough question, and well meant. I ask you, sir, would you rescue your sheep from a ditch on the Sabbath?

DOUBTER #2
Of course. That is unavoidable.

JESUS
And would you lead it to water on the Sabbath?

DOUBTER #2
Again, that is unavoidable

JESUS
But you would deny such courtesies to this woman, a daughter of Abraham? Remember the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. Now, who else requires my services?

Silence

JESUS
Nobody? You there, come into the firelight.

VAMPIRE
Me?

JESUS
Yes, I sense great unease in you.

VAMPIRE
No, I’m fine

JESUS
Nevertheless, come into the firelight

Footsteps.

JESUS
I thought so. Tell me, what ails you?

VAMPIRE
Nothing at all. I’m quite well.

JESUS
But you came here to ask me something. What was it?

VAMPIRE
(reluctant)
Well...

JESUS
Please, you’re among friends here

VAMPIRE
Is it true you’ve performed exorcisms?

Gasps

JESUS
(Unfazed)
It is. Are you in need of one?

VAMPIRE
I believe so

JESUS
Why?

VAMPIRE
I can’t go out in sunlight. Or daylight, even. It burns my skin.

JESUS
That doesn’t sound like a possession

DOUBTER #2
Sounds like an excuse not to do any work

VAMPIRE
There’s something else. A hunger.

Baby shrieks

JESUS
What do you hunger?

VAMPIRE
Blood

Gasps.

JESUS
(matter-of-fact)
There’s nothing I can do for you

VAMPIRE
There must be!

JESUS
I’m sorry.

VAMPIRE
But they say you can help anyone. They say you’re the greatest man who ever lived.

JESUS
You are beyond help

VAMPIRE
(desperate)
Please, I need an exorcism!

JESUS
An exorcism would be of no use here. You are not merely possessed by a demon.
(beat)
You are become a demon.

Screams from crowd. Some people begin to run away.

VAMPIRE
No, I’m not a demon! I have a family!

JESUS
(calling out to the crowd)
I’m afraid this gathering must end now. Thank you for coming. I hope to see you all again soon.

VAMPIRE
Please help me! I don’t want to be like this anymore! I just want to see my family again. Ever since...I’ve been too ashamed.

JESUS
You were bitten, yes?

VAMPIRE
Yes.

Crowd sounds fading away

JESUS
You don’t belong to God anymore. You’re...something else.

VAMPIRE
What, what am I? Who do I belong to? Who can help me?

JESUS
(pouring the tub of water over the fire)
I don't know.

Forsaken [Scene 1]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. CHURCHYARD - NIGHT
Church bell rings out seven o'clock. Owl hoots in the distance. Door closes. Rustling from bushes.

PRIEST
(nervous)
Who's there?

Footsteps.

PRIEST
(business-like)
Have you come for confession? I was about to lock up.

VAMPIRE
(sombre)
I haven't come for confession.

PRIEST
You're him. The vampire.

VAMPIRE
Good guess.

PRIEST
I knew you'd come. All those disappearances. The newspapers said it was just superstition, but I knew. I knew you'd come.

VAMPIRE
And yet you don't have your little crucifix

PRIEST
I couldn't find it.

VAMPIRE
How careless of you

Vampire produces the crucifix. Sizzle as it burns his hand.

PRIEST
(surprised)
You entered the Church?

VAMPIRE
Didn't need to. One of your flock was only too happy to do the job for me. The promise of eternal life is awfully good at persuading people.

PRIEST
Yours is a half-life.

VAMPIRE
Better than death

PRIEST
Is it? Never walking in the sunlight? Feeding off the life-force of others, a creature of sin? You've abandoned God.

VAMPIRE
That's one reading

PRIEST
What do you mean?

VAMPIRE
Why did your precious God allow me to be bitten? Why did he create vampires at all? Seems to me, it was He who did all the abandoning.

PRIEST
You'd fit right into my congregation

VAMPIRE
What's that, a joke? Don't you know I'm about to kill you, boy?

PRIEST
I'm twice your age

VAMPIRE
Wrong again. I've seen more plagues and famines than you can imagine. Worst of all, I saw your man.

PRIEST
Who?

VAMPIRE
The one you all obsess over.

Bus XCI

Jack: A school trip to the shopping centre. They must really be running out of ideas.

Louisa: Stop complaining, I got two new tops. Look, do you prefer the blue one or the green one?

Jack: The blue one reminds me of the sky

Louisa: Is that good?

Jack: Could be

Louisa: So you prefer the blue one?

Jack: Maybe. But then, the green one reminds me of a rolling field.

Louisa: So it’s a question of whether you prefer fields or sky?

Jack: Maybe

Louisa: In a way, the sky’s more democratic because everyone can experience it

Jack: Except blind people

Louisa: Yeah, but blind people can’t experience the field either

Jack: They can smell the grass

Louisa: C’mon, stop messing me around

Jack: Maybe you could cut squares out of one, and wear them both together

Louisa: Seriously, which do you prefer?

Jack: The green

Louisa: So you don’t like the blue?

Jack: I never said that

Louisa: Great, now I’ll have to take the blue one back. Thanks for nothing.

Bus XC

Jack: Red alert. Don’t come in tomorrow.

Louisa: Surprise Gym contest?

Jack: If my sources are correct

Scott: Why do some people have to turn everything into a contest? I hate that.

Jack: I hate it more

Louisa: Is it just me or are these contests getting more frequent too?

Scott: Definitely

Louisa: All part of the Head’s grand plan, I suppose. If she can keep the healthy kids distracted by adrenaline, and the unhealthy kids exhausted, nobody will notice when she sells our youth to Satan.

Jack: Over-dramatic, much? It’s just so the staff get a day off to sleep around.

Louisa: What about the Gym teachers?

Jack: They’re getting plenty already

University X

Ivy: What did the dentist say? All-clear?

Alice: I missed my appointment

Ivy: You left an hour early!

Alice: I know, babe, but I got distracted by a cloud that looked like you. I felt it was a sign that I should follow the cloud.

Ivy: Where did it lead you?

Alice: To the sweet shop

University IX

Ivy: Do you ever study? Whenever I come down to see Alice, you’re either asleep or dancing around.

Eliza: I’m trying to de-squeak my shoes

Ivy: Might be a good idea to practice shining them too. Something tells me you’ll need that skill in your future career.

Eliza: I'll study when it’s absolutely necessary, but not a moment before. I look upon University as a reward for all those horrific years at school.

Ivy: So do I

Eliza: But you’re always learning stuff!

Ivy: Exactly

University VIII

Alice: Shouldn’t you be at the Equality Society tonight?

Ivy: I’ve resigned. Got sick of being called a racist.

Alice: They’re not still arguing over ‘Wog-Wog the Dog’?

Ivy: Yep

Alice: Remind me, why is it so important to ban some old Children’s Lit book from campus?

Ivy: God knows. It’s an unfortunate title, sure, but the story itself is a harmless little adventure.

Alice: Couldn’t the author just change the dog’s name then?

Ivy: The Society sent her a letter suggesting that, but she wrote one back saying it’d throw off all the rhymes. Which is the exact same thing she said when it was first published, so she’s not being disingenuous or anything.

Alice: Oh, so it was always controversial?

Ivy: Yeah, but back then the controversy was because some people claimed a heroic black dog called ‘Wog-Wog’ would indoctrinate white kids

University VII

Ivy: Your phone’s ringing

Eliza: Just my car alarm

Ivy: No, it’s definitely coming from your phone

Eliza: I mean it’s a reminder to move my car. The parking warden always starts up this end after lunch.

University VI

Alice is weeping on the floor

Ivy: What’s wrong?

Alice: It’s the raindrops on the window

Ivy: Honey, there aren’t any raindrops on the window

Alice (hysterical): Because somebody cleaned them off! I was watching them this morning, and I started naming them, and then after my lecture I rushed back so I could see them again, but...somebody murdered them.

Ivy: How about if I go kick some clumps of dirt at the window? Would that make you feel any better?

Alice: A little

University V

Ivy: That’s it. My educational career is over.

Eliza: Why?

Ivy: I got a 2:1 for this essay

Eliza: Wow, a 2:1? How did you manage it?

Ivy: 2:1s are bad

Eliza: Only if you choose to measure yourself against some impossible standard of perfection

Ivy: But it’s not impossible. I usually get Firsts.

Eliza: And did you do anything different this time?

Ivy: Not that I can think of

Eliza: So this time it was impossible, cos you tried your best. You’ve nothing to feel bad about. Now let’s go get high.

University IV

Alice: What’s up, babe?

Ivy: Just found out my grandma died

Alice: Oh, I’m so sorry. When’s the funeral?

Ivy: Wednesday. Will you come with me?

Alice: Yeah, sure

Ivy: Thanks

Alice: Do you want to talk about her, or...?

Ivy: No. Well, I guess I should, shouldn’t I?

Alice: Only if you want to

Ivy: I don’t. Not really. I’ll start crying if I do. How did you cope, when your grandma died? I know you mentioned her one time.

Alice: Well, I was only five so I barely knew her really. I just remember that she bought me some ballet shoes a few weeks before. Said I had good legs for it.

Ivy: Can’t believe you were so young, losing someone like that

Alice: It was weird, because nobody wanted to tell me she’d died. I just knew everyone was suddenly grey and sad, like in a nightmare, and I thought they’d all changed deliberately to trick me, so I started crying and telling them to change back.

Ivy: Aww

Alice: Eventually my mum took me up in the loft and told me Grandma had just gone away for a while, and we needed to find her favourite hat and send it to her so she wouldn’t get cold.

Ivy: That’s nice

Alice: We were searching for ages, and finally I found it right at the bottom of the last box. And when I lifted it out, these butterflies flew out in all different directions. Somehow they’d got into the loft and started nesting in the hat. I was so scared by them flying at me that I nearly fell down the loft-hatch.

Ivy (laughs): Silly

Alice: Well yeah, my mum started laughing too – which would’ve annoyed me normally but I was so glad to see her happy again that I just laughed too. And some of my relatives downstairs who’d heard us laughing came up the ladder to find out why, and they all started laughing as well. Then my uncle found some nets and we went round catching all the butterflies to release outside. Isn’t that amazing?

University III

Eliza: Will you come to the drop-in clinic with me? I need a morning-after pill.

Alice: You didn’t use protection?

Eliza: It broke

Alice: Bad luck. How’d he take the news?

Eliza: He was late for school, so we didn’t have much time to talk

University II

Alice: Coming out tonight?

Ivy: I need to finish this lab report, and then I need to draw some posters

Alice: Another protest?

Ivy: Animal testing. I swear some of these supposed scientists get off on it. Makes me so angry.

Alice: You worry too much, babe

They kiss

Ivy (worried): But if I don’t worry about these things, who will?

University I

Eliza: How was the seminar?

Alice: Gary never turned up, so we all just sat around chatting

Eliza: Oh, any gossip?

Alice: Only about you

Eliza: Me?

Alice: Yeah, they were all saying you slept with Tasha’s dad when he visited

Eliza: Lies

Alice: You sent me a picture of his...

Eliza: Yeah, but I didn’t sleep with him. There was no sleep.

Alice: Maybe you should go easy for a bit. At this rate you’ll have screwed every halfway decent guy on campus in the first six months.

Ivy: And it sounds like you’re getting a bad reputation

Eliza: I’ve always had a bad reputation. If I screw the wrong guys, I’m a freak. If I screw the right guys, I’m a whore. If I don’t screw anyone, I’m a tease. When will I get to be a person?

Bus LXXXIX

Jack is fingering a wad of cash

Louisa: Bank robbery?

Jack: Dead relative

Louisa: Why not give a little to charity? There’s so many people in need at this time of year.

Jack: So when you get money, you just give it away?

Louisa: Some. About a third, usually.

Jack: Like hell you do

Louisa: My principles are important to me

Jack: I’ll give you fifty to renounce your principles right now

Louisa: Never

Jack: A hundred, then

Louisa: Nope

Jack: Two hundred?

Louisa: Okay. I renounce my principles.

Jack hands over the money. Louisa stands up to leave.

Jack: Where are you going?

Louisa: I need to take this down to the homeless shelter before their evening rush

Bus LXXXVIII

Jack: It’s so cold today

Scott: Nope, my watch says it’s 11 Centigrade

Jack: There’s a thermometer in your watch? Since when do you even have a watch?

Scott: Got it for Christmas

Jack: Well, your sister should ask for her money back, cos it’s definitely lower than 11

Scott: Actually, you’re right. It's gone back down to 1. Must’ve been a cold gust of wind.

Bus LXXXVII

Louisa: Did you hear Vicky’s saving up to buy Dave a car this year? And he’s put a deposit down on a flat for her.

Jack: Who’s Vicky?

Louisa: Vicky Phelps! Ronnie’s sister.

Jack: And who’s Dave?

Louisa: Don’t you know anything? They’re a couple. Well, they were. One year he gave her a toothbrush for her birthday so she said he was tight with money.

Jack: Why does everyone say that like it’s a bad thing?

Louisa: Anyway, then he bought her a really nice necklace out of spite, and said: ‘If you really loved me, you’d buy me something better than this’. So she bought him a games console, then he bought her a bike, and it carried on like that. They finally broke up a few months ago.

Jack: So why are they still buying the presents?

Louisa: Cos now they want each other back