Music Club XXXII

Jenny: Did other pupils notice your weight loss?

Violetta: A few. They started calling me fat.

Jenny: How did that make you feel?

Violetta: ...fat

Music Club XXXI

Starchild: Where’s Flinchy?

Bull: Couldn’t come. Grading papers. Well, let’s get started.

Harry: We’re now holding pretend meetings even when he’s not here?

Bull: Only texted ten minutes ago. I think he’s drunk actually. Awful spelling.

Starchild: Glad I’m not in his class

Harry: So we can all go home? I’m sick of this basement.

Bull: He’ll still want to see the minutes. Find out what he missed.

Music Club XXX

Starchild: Do you really need this many beers?

Bull: Of course I do. It’s a rite of passage.

Starchild: The shopkeeper’s looking at us funny. He’s so gonna ask for ID.

Bull: That’s why you’re here. Happy birthday, by the way.

Starchild: I don’t even like beer

Bull: What do you like, other than Little Miss Bony?

Starchild: Stop calling her that. You’ve never even met her.

Bull: I know her type

Starchild: People don’t have types. People are people.

Bull: People are animals. Predators and prey. I’m a predator, you’re prey.

Starchild: If you’re a predator, how come you haven’t starved by now?

Bull: Well, I don’t actually eat people. I just beat them up.

Starchild: Who’ve you beaten up lately?

Bull: I’ve beaten up loads of people

Starchild: Lately?

Bull: Ask me again in ten minutes

Starchild: I’m not scared of you, Bull. I’m scared of heights, I’m scared of creepy crawlies, I’m scared of my girlfriend topping herself...but I’m not scared of clowns.

Music Club XXIX

Justin: Hiya. Where’s Bull?

Harry: Went out for beers. He’s stockpiling them for his Eighteenth.

Justin: That’s months away

Harry: He was a scout. Likes to be prepared.

Justin: Bull, a scout? I didn’t know that.

Harry: There’s plenty you don’t know about him

Justin: What’s that mean?

Harry: Nothing. Forget it.

Justin: Why don’t you like me, Harry?

Harry: Who says I don’t?

Justin: You’ve made it pretty clear

Harry: Bull would’ve beaten up someone like you without hesitation...until you came along

Justin: Isn’t that a parallax?

Harry: You’ve corrupted him somehow. Made him weak.

Justin: He never beat you up

Harry: Yeah, he did. Lots of times.

Justin: And you’re still friends with him?

Harry: I never cried, I never told. I earned his friendship. You haven’t earned anything.

Justin: Bull’s a good person now. He’s left all that behind.

Harry: Of course he hasn’t. This is just a phase. You’ll see. I don’t know why he’s developed this blind spot with you, but sooner or later he’ll remember who he really is. And you’d better get out of the way when he does.

Music Club XXVIII

Jenny: Tell me about Mrs Finnegan

Violetta: She was my Maths teacher. I’m good at Maths.

Jenny: And she noticed you were losing weight?

Violetta: Yeah, she gave me these leaflets. Kept asking if I was alright.

Jenny: And you lied?

Violetta: I was alright 'til then. I was just me. Then suddenly I was the girl with the big-name problem...and people were writing leaflets about me...and I was special.

Music Club XXVII

Flinchy: Who’s brought something this week?

Starchild: I’ve got this...

Bull: What the fuck? I’m not listening to that.

Starchild: I know it’s a little commercial, but...

Flinchy: I have to agree with Bull. That sort of music may be fine for drunken hen nights and little girls’ sleepovers, but it has no place in any self-respecting music club.

Justin: It’s children’s shagging music

Harry: Children shag?

Bull: It’s the audio equivalent of watching children shag, and should carry a similar penalty

Starchild: At least give it a chance...

Justin: Dude, it’s manufactured bullshit. The whole point of the music club is to expand our horizons...

Flinchy: ...challenge our expectations...

Justin: ...not narrow them.

Starchild: We have a mission statement now?

Justin: It’s implied. Sorry man, I know you listen to that mainstream pop stuff with Vi, and that’s fine, she probably needs cheering up...but it’s not welcome here. We can tell how shallow it is just by looking at the cover.

Music Club XXVI

Jenny: When did you first start skipping meals?

Violetta: Was nine, I think. At first it was just to escape the arguments. I’d say I wasn’t hungry and go hide upstairs. I could still hear them shouting though...

Jenny: Didn’t it hurt, to not eat?

Violetta: Yeah, but it was a pain I could control. The only pain I could control.

Music Club XXV

Flinchy: That was...interesting, Harry

Starchild: I feel dirty

Bull: Didn’t like to say anything, but you do need to shower more. I enjoyed the album. It was bracing.

Justin: Neck-bracing

Harry: It’s your speakers. They must be malfunctioning. Too much bass.

Bull: They’re new

Dom: Untested

Bull: What’s your view, Andrew? Think carefully before you answer.

Flinchy: I’m afraid Andrew’s lost his voice. Does anyone have a pen and paper?

Bull: Harry’s bound to have some. He’s indispensable like that.

Harry: I don’t

Bull: And why should he? One man can’t be expected to do everything. But can I just say, our beloved treasurer comes pretty damn close.

Justin (to Starchild): Is he trying to get into Harry’s pants or something?

Music Club XXIV

Harry: I don’t even like music

Bull: Neither do I, but controlling people is fun. And you like administration.

Harry: Do I?

Bull: It’s like refereeing, but on paper

Harry: Maybe I should just start refereeing again. There are other teams.

Bull: This is the only team you need. And we need you...Flinchy likes you the most. He respects you.

Harry: He thought I was a girl

Bull: Exactly...he probably wanted to bone you. What higher compliment could he give?

Harry: I don’t care whether Justin’s parents chuck him out for being a lazy git, and neither should you. What’s happened to you, man?

Bull: Nothing’s happened

Harry: You think I’m stupid?

Bull: Frankly, yes, but you must like some music. Bring it along on Friday.

Music Club XXIII

Jenny: Tell me about your boyfriend...Sean Chiles?

Violetta: He’s sweet

Jenny: How long have you been dating?

Violetta: Three years

Jenny: A long time for someone your age

Violetta: But a short time for real people?

Jenny: That’s not what I meant

Violetta: Isn’t it?

Jenny: I didn’t mean to trivialise your relationship. I know Sean’s very important to you. It was he who persuaded you to come here, where your parents failed?

Violetta: Failures fail

Jenny: That’s not true, Vi. Failures consistently fail.

Violetta: That’s my parents

Music Club XXII

Harry: What are we gonna do now?

Bull: I can’t imagine. I’ve tried every air freshener known to man. Or woman, not that she knows anything.

Harry: Huh?

Bull: The stench. The demonic stench that fucking Dan...

Harry: Dom

Bull: ...left behind after our little listening party. We may have to burn the house down.

Harry: But what are we gonna do about Flinchy?

Bull: Flinchy?

Harry: He e-mailed. Said he wants it to be his ‘club-name’.

Bull: I guess we’ll do whatever he wants. Otherwise Jimmy’ll be out on the street.

Harry: Why should we care?

Bull: It’s no fun beating up homeless people. Fish in a barrel.

Music Club XXI

Mr Flinch: What a night this has been. You don’t meet many teenage boys who’d listen to Don Giovanni all the way through twice without so much as a toilet break.

Harry: We’re go-to guys

Mr Flinch: Can I become a member?

Bull: What?

Mr Flinch: I want to become a member of the club

Bull: Sorry, it’s for young people only

Justin: Not that you’re old!

Mr Flinch: If you’re willing to overlook my age, I’m sure I could overlook some of Justin’s recent...conduct

Bull: Why is everyone calling him Justin now?

Starchild: Wouldn’t it be unethical? Aren’t you meant to keep a professional distance from your students?

Flinchy: Oh, who cares?

Music Club XX

Mr Flinch: So this is the famous Music Club, eh? I like the posters.

Dom: They still have price stickers

Bull: Who’s this guy?

Justin: Dom. He’s in my music class.

Mr Flinch: Andrew wanted to come too, but he got his head trapped behind a radiator. I pray to God they’re able to cut him free before the heating timer comes on. So what are we listening to this week?

Starchild: Mozart. Don Giovanni.

Dom: That has a price sticker too

Bull: How about you take a seat in the corner, Dom? No, the far corner.

Music Club XIX

Justin: How’s Violetta?

Starchild: Doing well apparently. She’s gained a stone.

Bull: Soon she’ll be up to a child’s weight

Starchild: Hopefully

Bull: Don’t you get tired of having such a pathetic girlfriend?

Starchild: What’s pathetic about her?

Bull: Well, she’s not exactly an empowered woman, is she? Always crying and refusing to eat cos her parents were nasty to her or whatever.

Starchild: She’s always herself, good and bad. What’s more empowered than that?

Music Club XVIII

Harry: You want me to pretend I’m in a ‘music club’?

Bull: Yeah, for Jimmy. Or whatever you call him.

Harry: You’re supposed to be beating him up, not making him your best buddy

Bull: He’s not my best buddy. I’m just letting him get comfortable...then I’ll snap his neck.

Harry: Literally?

Bull: Yep

Harry: You promise?

Bull: I promise. But it won’t happen if you don’t play along for this music teacher. I need you to be Treasurer.

Harry: Treasurer of a club that doesn’t exist. This is a new low.

Bull: It’ll stop you getting bored. And you’ll be a go-to guy again.

Harry: People will go to me?

Bull: Sure. When they need...treasure.

Music Club XVII

Mr Flinch: Unless your composition’s in an invisible folder, get out and don’t come back

Justin: Please don’t chuck me out. I know I’ve been slacking on the deadlines, but I’ll catch up. Starting now.

Mr Flinch: It’s not just the deadlines, Justin. When you started with me, you were one of the most talented, enthusiastic musicians I’d ever taught. You’re still talented, but it’s a long time since I saw any enthusiasm.

Justin: I have enthusiasm. I have so much enthusiasm it hurts to sit down.

Mr Flinch: It’s too late. I’ve only kept you on this long cos I hoped you’d snap out of your...stupor.

Justin: There’s no stupor. I’ve just been...busy.

Mr Flinch: Yes, busy doing everything non-musical. You don’t even come to the music club anymore. You used to thrive there. Now Dom’s the best I have.

Justin: That’s cos...I have my own music club. We discuss albums and stuff.

Mr Flinch: Listening to pop songs with your mates isn’t exactly what I had in mind

Justin: Not just pop songs. All sorts...and we play too. Bull plays the tuba.

Mr Flinch: Bull?

Justin: He hosts the club...in his basement. It’s soundproofed. So that’s why I fell behind, but I’m all ready to catch up now.

Mr Flinch: Justin, stop lying to me. You’ve never mentioned this before.

Justin: If you don’t believe me, come to the club. I’ll show you.

Music Club XVI

Bull: So, your girlfriend’s at some anorexia camp?

Starchild: Yeah, she’ll be back soon. Once she’s healthy.

Bull: Unless she dies there. From not eating.

Starchild: True

Bull: You don’t care if your girlfriend dies?

Starchild: Of course I care, but she’d probably be glad if she did. I’ll still love her either way.

Bull: Oh...there isn't really a comeback for that

Music Club XV

Harry: Somebody say something. I’m dying here.

Justin: What’s your favourite cheese?

Harry: I like Brie

Bull: Wensleydale’s the best

Justin: Cheddar’s the only legitimate choice. Old reliable.

Starchild: No cheese is inherently better than another. They all have equal merit. It’s a matter of personal taste.

Bull: Let’s never discuss cheese again

Music Club XIV

Starchild: How was the move?

Justin: It was okay...

Starchild: Really?

Justin: ...once I did some industrial-scale repressing

Starchild: You’re still attending college, right?

Justin: Define ‘attending’

Starchild: Dude, you need to get in those music rooms and make some new tunes

Justin: Dunno how to work the system anymore. They got a new one when I was ill.

Starchild: Can’t you ask?

Justin: I did, but they all assumed I was joking...and I was so pleased about people laughing at my joke that I didn’t ask again. Since then I’ve been pressing random buttons and everyone thinks it's ‘experimental’.

Starchild: You’ve got a talent, man...don’t throw it away. What about those new friends you mentioned? They musical?

Justin: Not really friends. We just sit in Bull’s basement and wait for death. Hope it comes soon.

Music Club XIII

Slick: Hey, Bull! How come you’re hanging with nerds now?

Bull: I’m undercover. Working ‘em from the inside.

Slick: Yeah, whatever

Bull: You want me to kick your fucking face in?

Slick: Whoa, man, whoa. Chill. Just kidding – I knew Raging Bull’d never go over to the dark side.

Bull: Damn right

Slick: Hey, can I get a cut?

Bull: Sure. I’ll let you know when it’s time to start beating on ‘em.

Slick: Cool. What’s that you got there? Strawberry ice cream?

Bull: Yeah...I’m gonna pour it down someone’s pants

Music Club XII

Bull: So what kinda music you into?

Justin: Lots of stuff. Indie, Folk, Jazz, Metal.

Bull: Same. Especially the love songs.

Justin (scornful): Love songs?

Bull: Love songs? Hate ‘em. You want some more coffee?

Justin: No, thanks. Got any ice cream?

Music Club XI

Bull: How’s the post-refereeing life?

Harry: It’s boring. I alphabetized all my DVDs last night, and then I reordered them by theme this morning. Beat up Justin today, please? That’d make me feel better.

Bull: Who’s Justin?

Harry: ...it’s my name for Jimmy

Bull: Odd choice. I’m working up to it – gonna stick to subtle psychological torture in the early months.

Harry: Months?

Bull: Weeks. Maybe days. But you see, I need to build up trust. You can never really hurt someone, not deep down, unless they love you first.

Harry: Love you?

Bull: Fake-love

Harry: Still...

Bull: Manly, platonic fake-love

Music Club IX

Justin: I’ve got this friend from Green Oaks. Would it be okay if he hung with us?

Bull: Sure. What’s his name?

Justin: Does it matter?

Bull: I like to judge people by their names

Justin: Well, he calls himself...Starchild

Bull: Starchild? What the hell kinda name is that?

Justin: Be nice. He’s really down about his girlfriend. She’s gone away to this camp.

Bull: Orgy camp?

Justin: No. They’re helping her with her eating problems.

Bull: Fatty camp?

Justin: Stop it. Violetta’s a good person. She just has a few...issues.

Bull: Violetta and Starchild? They sound like a burlesque cabaret.

Music Club X

Mr Flinch: Lovely playing, Dom and Andrew...I hope you’ll do that again at the music club. And whose composition is next? Ah, Justin, what have you got for us?

Justin: You’re listening to it right now. It’s abstract.

Mr Flinch: If you don’t bring it next week...

Justin: Sshh, you’re talking over my composition

Mr Flinch: ...don’t bother coming at all

Music Club VIII

Bull: How was your game?

Harry: Never mention the word ‘football’ to me again

Bull: Okay. Am I allowed to use them separately? ‘Foot’ and ‘ball’? And what about words that sound like them? You could mishear.

Harry: Thanks, Bull. You’re officially the worst friend ever.

Bull: I’m not your friend. Anyway, you say this stuff every week. You’ll go back.

Harry: Not this time. My refereeing days are over. They sacked me. Tore up my red and yellow paint-charts, and gave my whistle to a dog.

Music Club VII

Bull: Do you think life’ll get any better when we’re older?

Justin: I think it’ll keep getting worse and worse, but then one day we’ll wake up and it’ll all be better

Bull: When the robots take over?

Justin: Not exactly

Bull: There must be another way. I’ve had loads of mates and gangs and stuff, and I’ve always just ditched ‘em when they got boring. That’s my life-plan.

Music Club VI

Mr Flinch: I hope we’ll be hearing your composition today, Justin

Justin: I’m still working on it

Mr Flinch: It was due a week ago

Justin: Perfection knows no deadlines

Mr Flinch: Your workbook’s empty

Justin: I’ve planned it in my head though. I’ve even been dreaming about it.

Mr Flinch: Did your dreams include the bit where I chuck you out of my class?

Justin: Yes, but it was cos I’d turned into an elephant and trampled Andrew’s head into the carpet. Think it was one of those wish-fulfilment dreams.

Mr Flinch: Justin, I’ve been teaching music for nineteen years. I’ve seen a lot of kids who thought they knew it all, that they couldn’t learn anything from me. Today they’re hauling concrete and packing groceries.

Justin: And who doesn’t appreciate a multi-tasker?

Music Club V

Bull: Harry, meet Jimmy

Justin: Justin

Bull: That’s right, he lived in Green Oaks before – he still does most of his college classes there though. Can I take your coat?

Justin: Thanks

Bull: I like to keep it informal in the basement. Also, you won’t feel the benefit when you leave otherwise.

Justin: You’re worried about me getting cold?

Bull (defensively): Only cos it’ll make your skin numb...and then you’ll feel less pain when I pound on you

Justin: How thoughtful

Music Club IV

Starchild: I’m gonna miss you so much

Violetta: I’ll think about you every night

Starchild: You’ll write?

Violetta: If I can find a pen, yeah

Music Club III

Harry: So he just started telling you his weaknesses? Voluntarily?

Bull: I’ve been waiting my whole life for a victim this pathetic, and I didn’t even have to look for him. I need this guy to become part of my daily routine.

Harry: It’s like when I made that bottle rocket last year, and I spent weeks searching for the right tin-foil. He’s your perfect foil.

Bull: Maybe he just hasn’t heard about my right hook yet

Harry: Maybe he did, but he has superpowers...so he isn’t worried

Bull: Remember when you used to be the go-to guy for advice?

Music Club II

Justin: You ever feel like just jumping in front of a truck or something?

Bull: Nope, but can I be the driver?

Justin: I’m so lonely. Why does it have to be this way? What’s wrong with me? I mean, I know I’m not the smartest guy in town...

Bull: ...and your face looks like it already met that truck...

Justin: ...but I’m a good person. I smile at strangers. I’m kind to animals...and children, until they reach that awkward street-corner phase. Plus, I have good hygiene. Even dental. So why does nobody like me?

Bull: I can’t imagine. Will you pass me that glue now, Jimmy?

Music Club I

Violetta: I love you

Starchild: I love you more

Violetta: Not possible

Starchild: Let’s call it even

They kiss