Music Club LXXI

Bull: How’d the try-outs go?

Harry: Don’t ask

Bull: That bad, huh?

Harry: I got rejected by a team that has nap-time instead of half-time. What happened with the vote?

Bull: Justin sabotaged it

Harry: Probably cos you gave him a black eye

Bull: That wasn’t me. I guess his dad saved me the trouble after I broke their window.

Music Club LXX

Justin: I just don’t understand what’s so bad about letting her into the club

Bull: It’s the principle. Let one in, and soon we’ll be infested. Like rats.

Justin: When did having girls in your basement become a bad thing?

Dom: Three against three, then. Somebody should phone Andrew. He gets the casting vote.

Justin: No need. I think I can convince Flinchy to change his mind...

Flinchy: I doubt it

Justin: ...don’t you, Bull?

Bull: You know what? I change my vote. Let’s give it a try. Can’t hurt, eh?

Justin: I knew you’d come around

Dom (bitterly): Something tells me our Chief Treasurer will be changing his vote too

Flinchy: Now I look bad. I’ve nothing against the girl. She was always a good student. I’ll change my vote too.

Dom: Okay, then. Motion passed.

Bull: I feel so progressive

Music Club LXIX

Harry: Okay, it’s time to vote. And let’s be quick. I’ve got refereeing try-outs in an hour.

Dom: What team?

Harry: Green Oaks Under-5’s

Dom: Ouch

Bull: His old team badmouthed him all over town, so now nobody else will have him

Harry: All those in favour of admitting Violetta Craven to the Music Club, raise your hands

Dom raises his hand

Dom: And Starchild, if he was here

Harry: True. So that’s two in favour. And all those against?

Harry, Bull and Flinchy raise their hands

Bull: Three against two. End of story. Now let’s play some music.

Justin (entering): Hey guys. What’s happening?

Music Club LXVIII

Starchild: Okay, so maybe clubbing isn’t for you. How about joining the music club?

Violetta: You want me to sit in a smelly basement with a bunch of music nerds?

Starchild: They’re not nerds. Nerds know stuff.

Violetta: I’m not ready

Starchild: At least think about it while you’re at the spa. They’re nice people...well, some of them.

Music Club LXVII

Dom: Please tell me you aren’t gonna vote against Starchild’s girlfriend

Harry: Flinchy made a good point. About couples distracting from the music.

Dom: You aren’t voting with Flinchy. You’re voting with Bull.

Harry: So what if I am?

Dom: You don’t need to be in his shadow all the time. He doesn’t even appreciate you.

Harry: You told me to stick by him

Dom: I never told you anything

Harry: Right, sorry...I was thinking of someone else

Music Club LXVI

Dom: Are we gonna discuss the Violetta issue then?

Bull: Oh, I was just getting his hopes up. The answer’s no.

Dom: Why?

Bull: We can’t let girls in. They don’t know anything about music. We’ll end up playing power ballads every week.

Dom: That’s so sexist

Flinchy: I have concerns too

Dom: Some of your best students are girls!

Flinchy: It’s not a gender issue. I just think having couples in the club might distract some people from the music. I’d say the same if any of you were gay.

Bull: ...which nobody is, thank God, or I’d have to pound it out of them

Dom: We should at least put it to a vote. What do you think, Harry?

Harry: I’m torn

Music Club LXV

Violetta: I don’t understand the point of this. Does it have one?

Ashanti: It’s about having fun...

Violetta: But I’m not

Ashanti: ...and being social

Violetta: But...

Ashanti: Shh, I’m trying to dance

Music Club LXIV

Starchild: Hey guys

Flinchy: Long time no see

Bull: Got bored of your toy already?

Starchild: She’s not a toy

Bull: Depends how you use her

Starchild: Shut up. She’s gone clubbing, so I figured I’d pop round here.

Bull: Didn’t realise that was her deal

Starchild: I persuaded her. She needs to reconnect. Anyway, I came to ask if she can join the club.

Harry: Telling its leader to ‘shut up’ maybe isn’t the best start

Dom: He’s not the leader, Harry. You are.

Starchild: I think it would help her. She’s not good with people right now.

Bull: Sounds like a real asset

Starchild: Can she join or not?

Bull: We’ll think about it

Music Club LXIII

Flinchy: We miss you at the music club, Justin

Justin: Which one?

Flinchy: Both

Justin: I’ve been ill

Flinchy: You’re better now though?

Justin: Yeah, but I’m busy with coursework and stuff

Flinchy: I probably shouldn’t tell you this, especially since it got me fired from my last school, but having fun is more important than getting the best grades. We could all be dead tomorrow.

Justin: I keep hoping

Flinchy: You don’t mean that. Bull seems anxious to speak to you. He’s been knocking on your door. I think he misses his best friend.

Justin: Harry’s his best friend.

Flinchy: What happened to your eye?

Justin: Got mugged

Music Club LXII

Justin: I’m not coming back to the club, if that’s why you’re here. I want it to end.

Bull: We only need to fool Flinchy for a little bit longer. Then you’ll have your whole life ahead of you.

Justin: There are other colleges

Bull: Not if you’re homeless

Justin: My folks will understand

Bull: How’d you burn that arm?

Justin: Dropped a saucepan

Bull: Don’t be stupid, Justin

Justin: You’re calling me Justin now?

Bull: I know it’s not your real name, but it’s kinda grown on me

Justin: I’m trying to do the right thing

Bull: It’s a little late for that. Anyway, Flinchy likes the club. Why spoil his fun?

Justin: Cos I don’t want to feel guilty anymore

Bull: If you were gonna tell him, you’d have done it ages ago

Justin: Doesn’t mean I have to play along with the lies

Bull: Fine, don’t come to the club. But I’m not gonna let you fuck up your life. If you aren’t in Flinchy’s class tomorrow, I’ll give you something worse than that burn to think about.

Music Club LXI

Justin: You could’ve knocked

Bull: I’ve knocked like ten times in two weeks

Justin: Didn’t need to break a fucking window though

Bull: If it was anyone else, I’d have kicked the door down

Justin: My parents are gonna kill me. Never mind failing Music – they’ll chuck me out for this.

Bull: Just send me the bill

Justin: You can’t afford it

Bull: Why does everyone assume that I must be poor cos I’m violent? It’s discrimination.

Justin: You should start a campaign

Bull: I’d rather just bitch about it. Can I come in?

Music Club LX

Mr Craven: Jenny phoned earlier...

Mrs Craven: You didn’t tell us you earned a weigh-in badge. Can I see it?

Violetta: Chucked it

Mrs Craven: Honey, I wanted to put it on the fridge! Any chance to celebrate your achievements. It’s been a while, let’s be honest.

Mr Craven: Positive language, dear...

Mrs Craven: But not if it’s lies, surely?

Mr Craven: Anyway, she was saying we should try to spend more time with you. So we were thinking maybe you could come with us to the spa this year.

Violetta: And prevent your infamous drinking contests? I couldn’t live with myself.

Mrs Craven: Oh honey, you can get drunk too

Mr Craven: Should we really be...?

Mrs Craven: She’s nineteen, dear

Mr Craven: I suppose we all deserve a chance to kick back sometimes

Violetta: But who would look after Sylvia?

Mrs Craven: She can look after herself

Mr Craven: I’ll say. Old head on young shoulders, that one. She should probably be looking after us.

Violetta: Thanks for the offer, but therapy is my holiday

Music Club LIX

Bull: You ever been in love?

Dom: Got your eye on a special girl, eh?

Bull: Something like that

Dom: I haven’t been in love, no. A few crushes, but nothing solid.

Bull: Say you’re an alien, and you come to Earth, and you fall in love with a woman - but you don’t think the woman will ever be able to love you back

Dom: Cos you’re an alien?

Bull: Right. And on top of that, there’s a special alien law that means you’ll be crucified or something if you ask the woman out and she rejects you.

Dom: So you have to be sure she digs aliens before you ask her?

Bull: Yeah. I mean, you’ll still get tortured just for dating her, cos human-alien relationships are so frowned upon...but at least then you’d get to be with her.

Dom: I’d probably just leave it

Bull: You can’t live without her

Dom: If I was that obsessed but couldn’t tell her, I’d find ways to show her. By doing nice things and stuff.

Bull: Okay, fast-forward a few months. You’ve been super-nice, doing huge favours, but she still just thinks you’re friends.

Dom: Is she kinda dumb then?

Bull: No, but there’s such a big cultural gap between humans and aliens that it’s never even occurred to her that her alien friend might love her

Dom: Then I guess I’d have to tell her upfront. So who’s the lucky girl?

Bull: Nobody you know

Music Club LVIII

Bull: How’s your assistant?

Harry: Keen. Maybe a little too keen. I don’t think he suspects anything though.

Bull: Probably too dumb

Harry: He’s not so dumb. Gave me some good advice the other day.

Bull: For real?

Harry: Yeah, like I said before...sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger. And at least he turns up. Remind me again why we’re still holding all these meetings for a guy who won’t even answer his door to us?

Bull: Cos he’s a friend

Music Club LVII

Sylvia: Buy me another hot dog?

Starchild: Sure. At least there’s one Craven who isn’t gonna skip a meal anytime soon, huh?

Sylvia: I’ve got a fast metabolism! Do you think she’s home from the weigh-in yet?

Starchild: I hope so

Sylvia: Should we head back then?

Starchild: Up to you

Sylvia: We shouldn’t leave her alone

Starchild: You think she might hurt herself?

Sylvia: I think she’ll start feeling sad...and then she might have to leave again

Bus LXXIII

Jack: What’s up?

Louisa: Marcia Wallace laughed at my bag. Why’ve people got to be so fucking nasty?

Jack: Let me tell you a story

Louisa: I don’t want a story

Jack: Well, tough, cos I’m gonna tell it anyway. I knew this kid once, right, who’d come in every day to tutorial and his friends would all laugh at him.

Louisa: Why?

Jack: Well, that’s what he kept wondering too. And he couldn’t ask, cos then they’d know he was bothered by it. So one weekend he figured it must be his hair –and he did have bad hair - so he went to a really stylish barber.

Louisa: Did it work?

Jack: Nope, on Monday his friends laughed even harder. So the next weekend he figured maybe it was this baggy coat he always wore.

Scott: Baggy can be cool

Jack: This was, like, homeless baggy

Scott: Ah, okay

Jack: So he got a new jacket, but come Monday they were still laughing. Then it was his shoes, and contact lenses instead of glasses. You get the idea. None of it worked.

Louisa: Harsh

Jack: Yeah, well, I don’t make the rules. But eventually he just gave up and asked, ‘Why’d you keep laughing at me?’

Louisa: This is my stop

Jack: Don’t you wanna hear the end?

Louisa shrugs and exits

Scott: I do. What’d they say?

Jack: They said, ‘It’s that look you get on your face, when you know we’re about to laugh at you.’

Bus LXXII

Jack: Cinema tonight?

Louisa: Why can’t you ever give me advance warning? I’m working at the soup kitchen tonight.

Jack: Hobo sex, huh? I guess it’s better than none at all.

Louisa: I like to do something nice for someone else once in a while

Jack: Then I guess it’d give you a deep sense of spiritual fulfilment to come clean my house?

Bus LXXI

Scott: What’s that form?

Louisa: School Council elections

Scott: Did you get me one?

Louisa: Couldn’t. Only the Gifted kids are allowed to vote.

Scott: Why? I wanted to vote for the recycling people.

Jack: I guess they felt we’re the only ones who’ll put enough thought into our choice

Louisa: And yet the ballot has three spelling mistakes on it

Jack: That’s probably part of the test. They only count your vote if you write a little note to complain about the spelling mistakes.

Louisa: Why are there so many candidates? I don’t wanna read all this.

Jack: I might just vote for the Smarties. They promise to make sure teachers concentrate on the top students.

Louisa: Like we need another distraction from the learning process. How about the Own-Learners? They want kids to be left alone ‘unless we specifically ask for help’.

Jack: Then what are my parents’ taxes even paying for? A babysitter?

Louisa: Aren’t any of the parties interested in disadvantaged kids?

Jack: Only the one that wants them herded into camps

Louisa: Well, let’s just vote for that guy at the top. He’s got a nice smile.

Jack: I’d rather vote for someone who isn't smiling. At least that way I’ll be certain they’d take the job seriously.

Louisa: Either that, or they’re evil and not afraid to show it

Jack: This is too difficult. Let’s not vote at all.

Louisa: Yeah, it’s not as if our votes really count anyway

Bus LXX

Scott: Can I steal a quote?

Jack: Do your own homework

Scott: All you did was Google them

Jack: Not my fault you can’t afford Internet

Louisa: Have one of mine, Scott

Scott: Thanks. Read it out?

Louisa: ''I am not young enough to know everything'' - Oscar Wilde

Jack: You gave him Oscar Wilde for nothing? Last week you wouldn’t swap grapes for a yo-yo.

Louisa: I don’t like yo-yos

Scott: What does it mean? I might get asked.

Louisa: He’s saying older people are more aware of their limitations

Jack: If they were truly aware, they wouldn’t be arrogant enough to mouth off about young people like that

Louisa: You mouth off about young people all the time

Jack: I am young. The quote protects me.

Louisa: Adults are obviously smarter than us. They have more experience.

Jack: They tell us they’re smarter, so we believe them...cos they told us they were smarter

Louisa: So you think we're smarter than adults?

Jack: I think only people who've been both are entitled to decide

Louisa: Exactly

Jack: But once people get old, they stay old. They’re never young again.

Louisa: Your point?

Jack: So they aren't impartial. They have a vested interest in saying older means smarter, and they know we can’t contradict them cos we aren't old yet. It’s a huge conspiracy.

Bus LXIX

Louisa: What’s your favourite song?

Jack: I dunno

Louisa: C’mon, you must have some idea

Jack: I don’t want to say

Louisa: Why?

Jack: Cos you’re gonna use that magazine quiz to classify me by what type of song I say

Louisa: That’s right. Just say the first song that comes into your head.

Jack: ‘Happy Birthday to You’

Louisa: Wow, you must really like wishing people Happy Birthday

Jack: Maybe I just like the melody. But no, it’s the first song that came into my head cos we were singing it to Eddie Mangum in Geography.

Louisa: Okay, what’s the second song that comes into your head?

Jack: ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’

Louisa: But you don’t like Christmas either. This doesn’t make any sense.

Jack: On reflection, I think I’ll walk home

Bus LXVIII

Louisa: Ever feel like you’re just going through the motions, instead of really living?

Jack: Only when I’m with you

Louisa: Wow, that was almost funny

Jack: I take comfort in knowing everyone else is wasting their life too. That, and muttering ''Fuck you, God'' under my breath.

Louisa: God isn’t the cause of your malaise

Jack: Of course not. He doesn’t exist.

Scott: Please don’t talk about God again. You did that already.

Jack: If only R.E. teachers followed the same logic...

Bus LXVII

Scott: Did you see that new sitcom last night?

Jack: About the PM trying different jobs? Yeah, it was pretty funny.

Louisa: Isn’t ‘Prime Minister’ supposed to be his job?

Jack: Well, they were debating how much money they should give farmers, so he went and worked on a farm, to see what it’s like

Scott: Then at the end he said ‘Maybe I’ll try this again next week’, and winked

Louisa: What did he decide about the farmers?

Jack: Didn’t give ‘em anything

Louisa: Harsh

Scott: It was only cos they played a prank on him. Took away the step-ladder so he fell in a tub of pig shit.

Louisa: Why were they collecting pig shit in a tub?

Jack: Who cares when it’s funny?

Scott: Yeah, you’ve gotta love political comedy

Dog & Baby

Dog: I dislike you

Baby: And I, in turn, dislike you

Dog: So, we dislike each other

Baby: There’s a mutual hostility between us

Dog: Perhaps ‘hostility’ is a little strong

Baby: Yes, it’s more that I don’t actively like you

Dog: You do pull that cute face sometimes

Baby: And you bring me presents

Dog: You’re quite nice really

Baby: I love you

Bus LXVI

Louisa: You really love her, huh?

Jack: Who?

Louisa: Lizzie. You keep staring at the sandwich wrapper she left on the kerb.

Jack: Promise not to laugh? When I think about her being with anyone else, I get this empty feeling in my chest. I can’t bear it.

Louisa (sympathetically): Maybe it’s just a heart attack