Music Club LVI

Bull: Gotta love those sphincters

Harry: Why d’you always have to make a comment when you come back from the toilet?

Bull: Immaturity. Aren’t we gonna play any music tonight?

Harry: Not really in the mood

Dom: Maybe we could do something else. How about a board game?

Harry: Let’s clear out the basement a bit. Get rid of these beer crates.

Bull: Hey, that’s my birthday supply

Harry: You’ve got enough to fill an aquarium

Bull: I have to keep the crates down here so my mum won’t find them

Dom: Puritan?

Bull: Alcoholic

Music Club LV

Harry: Can I ask your advice?

Dom: Reporting for duty, Chief

Harry: Please stop saying that. I have this friend who used to be really cool...

Dom: What’s his name?

Harry: I don’t wanna say. It’s confidential.

Dom: At least use a code-name. It’ll get confusing otherwise.

Harry: Okay, let’s call him...Bill. We’re old friends, but he got this new friend a few months back and she’s kinda changed him.

Dom: What’s her name?

Harry: Justine

Dom: So Bill’s in love with Justine?

Harry: No, they’re just friends. And she has this...ex-boyfriend, who we’ll call Pinchy. I should mention that Pinchy is also Justine’s boss, and he was gonna fire her cos of their bad break-up. But Justine knew that he was a really big fan of...roast beef, so she invited Pinchy to a Sunday Roast at Bill’s house as a peace offering.

Dom: Did it work?

Harry: Yes and no. Pinchy agreed to not fire her, but only if he could come round Bill’s for a Sunday Roast every week. And cos Bill’s gone all soft, he devotes pretty much his whole life now to buying the food, preparing the food, cooking the food. And I can only hang out with him if I’m willing to chop vegetables or whatever.

Dom: It sounds like Justine’s majorly taking advantage

Harry: Well, exactly. She’s so manipulative. And I’ve tried telling Bill this, but he won’t listen. So last week I just walked out, and said I wasn’t gonna play along anymore. But then Bill came round my house and said how sorry he was, and cos I was kinda lonely by myself anyway, I forgave him and now I’m back where I started.

Dom: That sucks

Harry: I just want my friend back, you know? I miss him.

Dom: It sounds like this situation with Justine and Pinchy is bound to come crashing down eventually

Harry: I’d make it crash down myself, but Bill would hate me...and that kinda defeats the point

Dom: Best thing to do is just wait it out then. Eventually Bill will realise his mistake and be glad you stuck by him.

Harry: I suppose...

Dom: In any case, you’ll always have your friends at the music club to fall back on. We’ll never abandon you like Bill did.

Music Club LIV

Dom: Where’s Flinchy?

Harry: Apparently he’s got a blind date

Dom: Good for him

Bull: I’ve never understood that. How’re you meant to find anything to talk about with someone you’ve never even met before?

Dom: I guess people manage

Harry: Yeah, sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger

Bull: Whatever. You may as well open the meeting, treasurers. I’ll be in the bog.

Music Club LIII

Sylvia: This movie sucks

Starchild: I don’t understand anything that guy’s saying. Are there subtitles?

Violetta: Not unless you can read Dutch

Starchild: One time I was watching this sci-fi film and the aliens were all speaking a weird language, and I’m thinking ‘Wow, this is so daring – forcing the viewer to infer what the aliens are saying. Like, properly realistic.’ Turned out I’d accidentally switched on the Turkish dub track.

Violetta: Fool

Starchild: That’s why you love me

Violetta: Nope, I just use you for sex

Starchild: Use me up, darling

Sylvia: Jeez guys, save it for bedtime

Music Club LII

Flinchy: I’m glad you’re back, Harry

Dom: Me too. It wasn’t the same without you.

Bull: I can take or leave you, but you don’t actively offend me

Harry: Thanks for making me feel so welcome

Bull: What can I say? I’m a people-person.

Flinchy: Anyone heard from Justin?

Bull: I knocked on his door this morning. No answer.

Music Club LI

Violetta: You work here now?

Starchild: Two days a week. My 'rents want...rent. You look great.

Violetta: Thanks

Starchild: And you’re buying dairy, I see

Violetta: Yep

Starchild: That’s good

Violetta: So they tell me

Music Club L

Starchild: Did you see Harry?

Bull: He’s gonna come back, but only if we call him ‘Chief Treasurer’ from now on. Dom will be his assistant.

Starchild: You okay with that?

Dom: Yeah, it’s fine. Too much pressure for one person anyway. And between us, the accounts are dirty – I don’t wanna get blamed for that.

Starchild: Dirty?

Dom: Yeah, I think Flinchy might be using the club to run some kinda fraud operation. He’s in charge, right?

Bull: He sure is, and it’d be perjury to say otherwise

Starchild: We’re not in court

Bull: ...and never will be

Starchild: Still, ‘Chief Treasurer’? The old title seemed pointless enough.

Bull: Be thankful for what you get. I had to talk him down from ‘King Harry’.

Music Club XLIX

Slick: Where’s the love, man? You fucked up the nerds without me?

Bull: Nah, I ain’t done it yet

Slick: What’s the hold-up?

Bull: Been busy...other projects

Slick: Like flowers and a ‘We Miss You’ card?

Bull: These? They’re for this kid who’s been bugging me. It’s a death threat. Like, ‘if you bug me again, your mum’ll be laying these on your grave’.

Slick: Whoa, that’s so sick. Give me that call soon, yeah?

Bull: Will do

Music Club XLVIII

Bull: We need Harry back

Starchild: Why’re you telling me?

Bull: Cos Justin’s not answering and this is urgent

Starchild: Yesterday you said we were better off without Harry

Bull: Yeah, but you know me. There are glasses of water with more consistency.

Starchild: What’s brought this on?

Bull: It’s Dom. He can’t stay as treasurer.

Starchild: Give him a chance. He’s only chaired one meeting. And now I think about it, why is the treasurer chairing our meetings?

Bull: He’s been e-mailing all day. Asking too many questions about the club finances.

Starchild: What finances?

Bull: ...that’s what I keep saying, but will he listen? If he goes through the paperwork, he’ll realise it’s all fake and tell Flinchy.

Music Club XLVII

Sylvia: You wanna ride again?

Violetta: In a minute. Need to stop retching first.

Sylvia: Pussy

Violetta: You have one too...unless you’re a freak

Sylvia: Dick, then

Violetta: That’s more like it

Music Club XLVI

Flinchy: How’s Violetta?

Starchild: Not heard for a few days. I might call the clinic now actually.

Bull: Go upstairs for it. Don’t wanna hear you two smooching.

Starchild exits

Flinchy: Where’s Justin?

Bull: Think he’s got flu or something

Flinchy: Hope it’s not too serious. He can’t afford to be ill again with coursework coming up. What are we listening to today then?

Dom: How about some hip-hop? We never do hip-hop.

Bull: You wanna play hip-hop?

Dom: What, I’m too white to like hip-hop? How racist is that?

Bull: No, you’re too lame to like hip-hop

Flinchy: I’d hope, Dom, that you’re too classically trained to like hip-hop

Bull: Classically trained? You teach at a run-down comprehensive, not the Royal Academy.

Flinchy: Hip-hop’s artless. Shostakovich never wrote about cash or...gardening implements.

Bull: Only cos he didn’t have any

Flinchy: No, he had a well-stocked shed by all accounts

Bull: I’m just glad Andrew isn’t here. I can’t take any more of those retro TV themes.

Flinchy: Shit, I forgot to pick him up

Starchild re-enters

Dom: How was she?

Starchild: Wasn’t there. Apparently she checked out at the weekend.

Bull: Without telling you? That’s gotta hurt.

Starchild: I guess she wants some time alone. You don’t get much privacy in those places.

Bull: Either that, or she’s dumped you

Starchild: She’ll call when she’s ready. Me and her apart is like...fire without ice.

Bull: So, the normal kind?

Music Club XLV

Justin: Why are you doing this for me, Bull? Telling all these lies?

Bull: Boredom

Justin: Harry leaving, it’s made me realise...I’m messing up people’s lives. Maybe it’s time I faced up to my mistakes.

Bull: Only cowards face up to their mistakes. Constructing elaborate lies is much harder.

Justin: What if I ask you to stop?

Bull: Tough

Music Club XLIV

Sylvia: Want help unpacking?

Violetta: If you like

Sylvia: God, your clothes suck. Where’ve you been this season?

Violetta: I’ll have to buy new ones soon anyway

Sylvia: You think it’ll last?

Violetta: Does anything?

Sylvia: Where’s Sean these days? I wanna show him my tattoo.

Violetta: He’s around

Sylvia: Oh. You broke up?

Violetta: Nah, we’re still together

Sylvia: Then how come he hasn’t visited?

Violetta: I’m giving him some space

Music Club XLIII

Bull: Treasurer’s a vital role, Dom. It musnt’t be taken lightly. We’d be entrusting you with a sacred duty.

Dom: I know, you keep saying. But what stuff would I have to do?

Bull: Lots

Dom: Like what?

Bull: There’s nothing I can point to and say ‘the treasurer did that’, but his fingerprints smudge everything we do here. I’m sure Harry’s files are full of important projects.

Dom: It’s mostly doodles. I looked earlier.

Bull: That’s just the secret code he used, so nobody would steal our ideas. Believe me, the music club is a well-oiled machine. It doesn’t cease to exist because you and Flinchy and that other guy go home.

Music Club XLII

Flinchy: There’s no chance of a concert without Harry?

Bull: Afraid not. He keeps the beat.

Justin: Without him we’d be like one of those really bloated double albums

Flinchy: Can’t he be persuaded to come back?

Bull: I tried once already. Went round his house last night.

Flinchy: How was he?

Bull: Not great. Just strokes his whistle all day.

Justin: Too much information

Bull: No, I mean his actual whistle. From refereeing.

Justin: I thought that dog took it?

Bull: He got it back

Music Club XLI

Sylvia: I see you’re fat again

Violetta: I see you’re still ugly

Sylvia: Mum, she’s so mean to me!

Mrs Craven: Violetta, be nice

Violetta: Don’t call me by that stupid name

Mr Craven: Pass the salt, dear

Mrs Craven: You don’t need salt. It’s unhealthy.

Mr Craven: Pass the razor blades, dear

Mrs Craven: Fine, have your salt and die. See if I care.

Mr Craven: I won’t see. That’s the point.

Mrs Craven: We cook this lovely meal and then you ruin it with that stuff

Mr Craven: I cooked it. You made snide remarks from the pantry.

Violetta: So glad I came home for this

Music Club XL

Harry: You see how Justin’s going behind your back? Telling Flinchy you play the tuba, and then not even bothering to inform you?

Bull: It’s such a lame instrument too. Like sucking a giant cock. Hasn’t that stuff been replaced by computers yet?

Harry: This has gone too far. Let's shut down the club.

Bull: ...and I’ve been meaning to ask, how come we’re still using CDs? I thought everyone downloaded now.

Harry: Flinchy and Justin are all hung up on physicality

Bull: With those faces, they can’t afford to be

Harry: Why did you just cross all your fingers?

Bull: Hand spasms

Harry: Weren’t you there when we covered the whole downloading issue?

Bull: Probably asleep – that’s what usually happens when those two start yapping

Harry: Well, you won’t have to hear them anymore...if we go back to the way things used to be

Bull: When you moped around my basement cos the team sacked you?

Harry: I meant just before that, when they hadn’t sacked me

Bull: You want to relive it?

Harry: I want to change it. Or at least say something witty when it happens.

Bull: Look, he won’t be in Flinchy’s class for much longer. We just have to ride it out.

Harry: You ride it out. I quit.