Ah, Prime Minister II

Home Secretary: I’ve had an idea

PM: Oh yes? I’d better sit down.

Home Secretary: Well, you know how you’ve been saying that we need to give the public a morale boost? Take their minds off the recession, sort of thing?

PM (excitedly): Yes, yes, have you thought of something?

Home Secretary: I’m pleased to say I have

PM: Out with it then

Home Secretary: Well, who would you say is the ultimate British hero? Somebody who unites the nation like no other?

PM: Nelson?

Home Secretary: More contemporary than that

PM: Umm...one of those footballers?

Home Secretary: No, I was thinking of...

PM: Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me! I want to guess. Somebody very modern?

Home Secretary: Not very modern, but modern enough

PM: Musical?

Home Secretary: No, but you’re getting closer

PM: Am I indeed? Umm, Paul McCartney?

Home Secretary: If you remember, we said not musical...

PM: Did we? Must’ve slipped my mind.

Home Secretary: I think I’d better tell you...

PM: Oh, alright then. Why must you always spoil the game?

Home Secretary: I was thinking of James Bond

PM: Oh, I see. But he’s fictional. How can he help us?

Home Secretary: He can help us by inspiring the people. You see, I believe that we can persuade them to let us write the script for the next James Bond film.

PM: Us? You and I?

Home Secretary: Well no, we’ll get some of the speech guys to do the actual writing, but I have a plot. It’ll feature 007 chasing down people who are spending money on foreign goods, and persuading them to buy British in future.

PM: I see. It doesn’t sound very exciting...

Home Secretary: I’m sure we can throw in a few bunfights or something. But you see, Bond is such a popular brand that he'll definitely encourage the public round to our way of thinking.

PM: All the same, the Opposition are bound to mock. Come to that, I don’t imagine hardcore Bond fans will much like us meddling with the franchise....

Home Secretary: Ah, but you haven’t heard the title yet. Brace yourself. We’re calling it ‘Hey, Big Spender!’.

PM: I see...

Home Secretary: A big, attention-grabbing title. Witty and concise. And they can use that Shirley Bassey recording as the theme tune. You know how people loved the Shirley Bassey days – they’ll say it’s a return to classic Bond.

PM: And I suppose it’s entirely coincidental that you’re President of that Shirley Bassey fan club?

Home Secretary: Entirely, I assure you

PM: I’m afraid that assurance would carry rather more weight if I wasn’t still haunted by the memory of your ‘Shirley for Schools’ program. A copy of her Greatest Hits for every child – you made me a laughing stock!

Home Secretary: Scientific studies show that listening to the Dame greatly increases learning capacity and lifts mood...

PM: Yes, studies funded by your department

Home Secretary: I hope you’re not suggesting that...

PM: No, of course not. I’m sure the studies were accurate, but try telling that to the parents – or the Education Secretary, for that matter.

Home Secretary: Fine, if you don’t like my idea...

PM: Don’t be upset. I simply can’t risk any more political capital on Shirley Bassey. It’s not as if the free CDs were your only idea in that direction – what about the TV special?

Home Secretary: I don’t believe I recall...

PM: ‘Shirley Entertains the Troops’. The press mauled me.

Home Secretary: Oh yes, it does sound vaguely familiar. Was I behind that idea?

PM: Who else would be? You know the rest of the Cabinet prefer Tina Turner.

Bus VI

Louisa: I miss being a kid

Jack: I miss ice cream

Louisa: You had ice cream yesterday

Jack: Never tastes the same anymore.

Scott: Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I reckon they ran out of the real ice cream a few years back and now they're just putting any old crap in it.

Louisa: And they never put as many crisps in the bag anymore. One of these days I'm gonna open a bag and it'll literally just be one crisp.

Jack: I swear it used to be sunnier back then too. Now it just rains all the time.

Louisa: I remember one year Lorrie Blackman had a bouncy castle, so we spent all summer pretending we liked her

Jack: Whatever happened to Lorrie?

Louisa: Her dad went mental or something. Moved them all to Sheffield.

Jack: When you were a kid, you could just go out and play and not have to worry about any of this shit. What d'you miss most about being young, Scott?

Scott: I dunno, being able to pee wherever I wanted was pretty good. No queueing.

Jack: Sorry I asked

Bus V

Louisa: Thinking about getting my hair braided

Jack: Isn’t that against the rules?

Louisa: Is it? Oh well, I’ll make up an excuse.

Jack: Like what?

Louisa: I dunno, I’ll say I had a car crash or something

Jack: A car crash that braided your hair?

Louisa shrugs

Bus IV

Jack: How’s the job?

Scott: It’s alright. Ted lets me use the machines without goggles. He says goggles are for pussies.

Jack: Isn’t he blind?

Scott: So what if he is? No need to discriminate.

Louisa: If I was a burglar, I’d definitely target the blind

Jack: Such an enlightened bus, this one

Bus III

Louisa: How was the museum, guys?

Jack: Meh

Scott: We saw this cool old skull. It was, like, a million years old or something.

Jack: It wasn’t that old

Scott: How d'you know? You spent the whole time making eyes at Lizzie Rockford.

Louisa: Ha, you fancy Lizzie Rockford?

Jack: It’s him who fancies her

Scott: No, I don’t. She’s got a squint.

Jack: It’s not a squint. One of her eyes is just a little bit bigger than the other.

Scott: You’re right, she’s a stunner

Jack: Shut up, Scott

Louisa: Ha, you do fancy her. Is it love, Jack?

Jack: I don’t fancy her. Just feel a bit sorry for her.

Scott: You’ve never felt sorry for anyone

Jack: Oh yeah? What about that woman with the shopping bags?

Scott: That was only cos you wanted to get off with her

Jack: She was eighty-two

Scott: Don’t I know it, you pervert

Louisa: Lizzie isn’t that bad-looking. She has nice teeth. I’d kill for her teeth.

Scott: Who wants nice teeth? You only use them for eating.

Louisa: And smiling. They give her a nice smile.

Jack: That skull had horrible teeth. All yellow.

Louisa: I guess they didn’t have toothpaste back then

Scott: And the tablets can't have helped

Louisa: Huh?

Scott: It said in the museum about them having stone tablets. For headaches and stuff. They used to break their teeth on them.

Bus II

Scott: Did you hear about the knife fight in town?

Louisa: No! When was this?

Scott: Last night. I saw it.

Jack: How did you see it? You were round my house last night.

Scott: After I left. I got a text from this girl I know, so I went down there.

Jack: Thanks for texting me too

Scott: Sorry. Didn't have any credit.

Louisa: What were they fighting over?

Scott: This fat guy had stolen the other guy’s pig

Jack: They were fighting over a pig? Who has pigs round here?

Scott: They looked like circus people

Louisa: You must be making this up. Since when do circuses have pigs?

Scott: It wasn’t part of the circus. Just the non-fat guy’s pet.

Louisa: Did he get it back?

Scott: No, but the fat guy agreed to buy him another one

Bus I

Louisa: Why does this bus always smell of pineapple?

Jack: Driver’s lunch. Pineapple sandwiches.

Louisa: Nobody eats pineapple sandwiches

Scott: Dunno. I saw my aunt eat a watermelon sandwich once.

Jack: Same aunt who ate a shit sandwich?

Scott: Nope, that was a different one

Louisa: Your aunt ate a shit sandwich?

Scott: For a bet. Now she’s a millionaire.

Louisa: If she’s a millionaire, why're you riding the pineapple bus?

Scott: She owns the bus company.

Louisa: Oh yeah? Ask her why the bus smells of pineapple then.

Jack: His whole family smells of pineapple

Scott: Do I smell of pineapple, prick? No.

Jack: You do on this bus

Louisa: Seriously, Scott, why does the bus smell of pineapple?

Scott: The cleaning spray they use. It's pineapple flavoured.

Louisa: Mmm. Wish I had a car.