Famous Last Words

It was the most sensational case in all legal history: a ghost testifying against their own murderer.

Scientists had spent years developing the technique, fighting to ensure their project didn't outlast its funding. Psychics and religious leaders were consulted as to how spirits could best be contacted. Eyewitness testimony of spectral sightings was methodically collected from every corner of the globe. Researchers spent weeks holed up in supposedly haunted castles, attempting to interview their dead ancestors.

Although well-intentioned, the study at first tended to attract money-hungry quacks rather than respectable professionals, since so few amongst the latter community were willing to be associated with what they considered silly folklore. Even those few that could be recruited had a high resignation rate, frightened by the often-disturbing nature of their work.

It was only with the arrival of Dr Richard James that success began. Well-known for a string of popular-science bestsellers, James was utterly devoted to the project and used his political links to successfully lobby for greater money and manpower. Breakthroughs quickly followed, which I cannot discuss here in any great detail for legal reasons: suffice to say it was soon understood that there is no means by which ghosts can be forced to appear before human eyes, but those that do of their own free will can, with the right technology, be indefinitely trapped in such a way as to allow full visibility and audibility.

While that in itself was a near-miracle of innovation, further problems presented themselves. Ghosts were difficult to locate, and when found frequently spoke incomprehensible languages or could no longer remember how to speak at all. Others were so ill-humoured and even violent that any attempts at conversation had to be abandoned. To exacerbate matters, often those that seemed most amiable were deceitful attention-seekers, a tendency best illustrated by the incident in which three separately captured spirits all simultaneously claimed to be the final residue of Alexander the Great.

Nevertheless the project proceeded and its findings were eventually made public. Far from the rapturous praise they had expected, however, the scientists involved were the target of much criticism. Colleagues working in other fields were often resentful that one study should attract so much media attention while their own work went unrecognised. Public outcry at the team's perceived mistreatment of phantoms led to a number of new laws which required full, informed consent and thus greatly reduced the number of potential test subjects. Worst of all, the country's newest government was less willing than its predecessor to fund a venture which, while interesting, had little practical merit.

In response to these strains, Dr James controversially obtained finance from private sources by sharing the team’s results with several commercial enterprises that hoped to profitably market the ability to converse with one’s dearly departed friends and family.

Since it had enjoyed so much public funding, the new technology was put to work in the public interest. The police were especially interested in its possibilities.

It was one morning in December that a pair of junior researchers encountered the study's first known murder victim. The relevant authorities were called and confirmed that she both resembled and knew the extensive biographical details of one Pip Grass, strangled to death by an unknown assailant eighteen years previously. Except the assailant’s identity was no longer unknown, since she identified her uncle Rodney Aft as the killer.

The case came to trial and Mr Aft was found guilty once the jury had been satisfactorily assured that a phantom’s testimony could be trusted. Yet it was not the mere fact of a ghost giving evidence which ultimately made this case most notable. Rather it was Miss Grass’s closing remarks, which expressed her unexpected wish that Mr Aft should be acquitted despite his clear guilt.

‘You see, I’m glad he killed me. Obviously I was upset about it at the time, and it was certainly painful, but I’ve enjoyed death much more than life. Now the living have established a reliable means of communication with the dead, the coming years will inevitably bring a new understanding of death – a new understanding that it may, at least in certain cases, be preferable to life.’

Epitaph of Stanley Fig

'It’s always seemed remarkable to me that I hear murmurs of regret everywhere the living congregate, yet none in the graveyard where there is surely most cause'

Alice & Josh IV

Alice is vomiting

'All this solitude is making you ill.'

'No, people made me ill...solitude is my only chance of recovery.'

Two Boys on a Cliffside

‘What’s the matter, Snot? Scared you’ll fall?’

‘No, I’m scared I’ll jump.’

Bus XLVIII

Scott: How many kids do you want?

Jack: From you? None.

Scott: Seriously

Jack: Still none. Horrible puking things.

Scott: You don’t like kids?

Jack: If it’s any consolation, I don’t like old people either

Scott: How about you, Lou?

Louisa: I’m with Jack on this one

Scott: What’s wrong with you guys? Babies are cute.

Louisa: So are rabbits – that doesn’t mean I want to push one out of my vagina

Jack: The desire to produce little versions of ourselves is humanity’s most disturbing psychosis

Louisa: Exactly. One big ego trip.

Scott: What are you talking about? We need babies to survive.

Jack: There are seven billion people on this planet – we passed the survival threshold some time ago

Louisa: And it’s convenient, isn’t it, that the only way our species can survive is for me to get fat and stay indoors while my husband gets rich and screws his secretary

Bus XLVII

Louisa: Think I’ll go to Church this week. Haven’t been for a while.

Jack: Surely you don’t still believe all that crap?

Louisa: I do, as it happens

Jack: Oh c’mon, you can't seriously believe there’s a magical man in the sky who’ll fix all your problems?

Louisa: I don’t think it’s a man – or a woman, come to that – and I don’t know if they’ll fix all my problems...but yeah, I believe there’s something up there

Jack: Can’t you see you’ve just been brainwashed by your parents?

Louisa: You got atheism from your parents, so what’s the difference?

Jack: Plenty. Atheism isn’t a belief...it’s an absence of belief. There’s simply no proof for religion.

Louisa: It’s not about proof, it’s about faith

Jack: Yeah, that’s what your lot keep saying so you don’t have to provide any proof

Louisa: There’s loads of stuff you believe in without any proof

Jack: Like what?

Louisa: You believe in the Green Man

Jack: Huh?

Louisa: When you’re crossing a road, you always wait for the Green Man. I’ve never seen you run across.

Jack: Yeah, cos I don’t want to get knocked down

Louisa: So you, in fact, believe that this magical Green Man protects you from harm? You believe the Green Man is interested in your personal well-being?

Jack: The Green Man doesn’t exist. He’s just a light.

Louisa: If he’s just a light, why d'you trust him with your life?

Jack: Because I’ve always trusted him before and I’ve never got knocked down

Louisa: Yeah, but why did you first start trusting him? When you first crossed a road, how did you know he was there to help you?

Jack: I dunno, I guess my mum told me...

Louisa: Oh, you mean like my mum told me there’s a God?

Jack: Yeah, but she didn’t claim the Green Man was some magical being. She said he was created by humans...

Louisa: According to you, religion was created by humans. Why believe in one manmade thing but not another?

Jack: Everyone believes in the Green Man...

Louisa: Couple of centuries ago, everyone believed in God. You've no proof that the Green Man is looking out for your welfare. He could have his own agenda. Yet you believe in him anyway.

Jack: What you’re saying doesn’t make logical sense

Louisa: Logic's meaningless - a cunning argument can prove anything. Face it, Jack, you’re a crowd follower. Just like me.

Alice & Josh III

'I'm never going back. Never.'

'What happened?'

'All the people...they laughed at me.'

Bus XLVI

Louisa: Sports Day soon

Jack: Oh yeah. I wonder if Bobby Langford can win back his long-jump record.

Louisa: What're you talking about? He still holds the record.

Jack: Nah, Moses Friar beat it last year. Don’t you remember his amazing jump?

Louisa: Moses did a good jump, sure...but Bobby still holds the record

Jack: Are you kidding me? Has Moses Friar’s achievement just been airbrushed out of history?

Louisa: Maybe you’re thinking of that jump where he was disqualified for going past the line

Jack: I’m telling you, he beat the record. You’ve just forgotten.

Louisa: Whatever

Jack: If people are forgetting this, who knows what else they're forgetting? It's all very well for the majority to partake of that mindless boogie you call the present, but a courageous few must safeguard past truths for future generations. This sacred duty...

Enter Scott

Louisa: Hey, who holds the Sports Day long-jump record?

Scott: Everyone knows that: Bobby Langford

Louisa: See!

Jack: Nah, Moses Friar beat it last year

Scott: Moses? He was home ill last Sports Day.

Jack: Shit, really? What about the year before that?

Scott: Did a good jump, but it was nowhere near Bobby's

Louisa: Thank God some of us are safeguarding past truths for future generations

Bus XLV

Louisa: Where’s Scott?

Jack: Went home halfway through Art. Said he had a dentist's appointment.

Louisa: Surely anyone can see Scott doesn’t go to the dentist?

Jack: Well, you know Mrs Fibonacci...she’s an optimist. It was a pretty good lesson too. About perspective.

Louisa: Look who it is!

Enter Scott

Jack: Hey, I thought you’d gone home?

Scott: Yeah, that didn’t work out

Louisa: What happened?

Scott: Well, I tried to walk across the field backwards. Figured that if a teacher saw me, they’d think I was walking into school...instead of out.

Louisa: That’s so clever!

Scott: Didn’t work though. Mr Finch saw me through his periscope.

Jack: Y'know, you really should’ve stayed ‘til the end of that Art lesson

Bus XLIV

Louisa: Is Scott coming too?

Jack: Said he might pop round later, but he’s off to the bank first

Louisa: There’s a cash machine near you!

Jack: Doesn’t use 'em. Says they’re too impersonal.

Louisa: Really? I like talking to as few people as possible.

Jack: It all goes back to this time when he was young and he decided his dream job was to sell condoms in public toilets

Louisa: That’s his dream job? Selling condoms?

Jack: Yeah, he gave a whole speech on it in Year 2. Reckons it’d be super-rewarding. Making people safe from STDs, but also bringing them pleasure...via ribs, flavours, and so on.

Louisa: True, I guess. But why especially in public toilets? I didn't think he even used toilets.

Jack: Yeah, but he's still fascinated by them. Like how in the desert they all sit around discussing snow.

Louisa: Do they?

Jack: So I've heard. Anyway, when he found out they have machines that do it, he was heartbroken...blames the condom machines for putting him out of a job. So yeah, he wants to make sure no one else suffers the same fate.

Louisa: He’s a surprisingly deep thinker, isn’t he

Jack: You should see him when he’s had too much sugar

Louisa: But wait a sec, he was really pleased about the new library check-out machines. They put Larry Flack out of a job.

Jack: Yeah, but school employees don’t have real feelings like you or I do

Bus XLIII

Louisa: How come you’re doing homework on here?

Jack: It's my mum's birthday meal tonight, so I won’t have time later

Louisa: Fair enough. What is it?

Jack: Physics

Louisa: Oh, can I copy?

Jack: Sure

Louisa: Fuck, I haven’t got mine with me. I’ll just look at yours and memorise it.

Jack: Yes, that’s bound to end well

Louisa: What’s that mean? Quick, give us a look before I have to get off.

Jack: Remember that time you dropped my mum’s shopping list down a drain cos you swore you had it memorised? It took a week to eat all that cabbage.

Louisa: So these are planets, right? What’s that small one?

Jack: Mercury. It’s small, moves very quickly, looks a bit fuzzy to the naked eye.

Louisa: Sounds like Scott. What’s the one next to it?

Jack: That’s Venus, the brightest one. Looks kinda beautiful when you see it...

Louisa: Sounds like me. I'd better go. Fax me the rest.

Jack: Fax you?

Louisa: You know what I mean! E-mail.

Exit Louisa

Jack: ...but deadly up close

Bus XLII

Louisa: Where’s Scott?

Jack: He got picked up by Marlene

Louisa: Don’t you find that a bit creepy?

Jack: I find everything involving Scott a bit creepy

Louisa: Yeah, but don’t you feel she’s using him?

Jack: Using him? He’s the one getting free lifts.

Louisa: But she’s so much older...

Jack: She’s only twenty-two

Louisa: Yeah, but Scott has the mental age of a ten year-old

Jack: He knows how to look after himself. Remember he’s living alone now.

Louisa: I thought his sister was looking after him

Jack: Yeah, but she’s not there half the time. He does all his own cooking and washing and everything.

Louisa: I still think there’s too much of an age gap. The laws are there for a reason.

Jack: Proof that people do genuinely care more about protecting their own kids than screwing other people's

Bus XLI

Louisa: I’m sick of this bus. Watching the world whizz by, unable to touch it. Who knows what we’re missing out on?

Scott: I just wish I could teleport home

Louisa: Look how fat and greasy we are, never walking further than the bus stop and then gobbling down a load of snacks

Jack: Speak for yourself

Louisa: Why don’t we get off at the next stop and walk? Think of the adventures we’ll have. Think of the self-improvement.

Jack: If we must. You coming, Scott?

Scott: I guess...

Louisa: You won’t regret it

They disembark. Outside it’s cold and near-dark. A wolf howls in the distance.

Louisa: What time’s the next bus?

Bus XL

Louisa: Amy Poincaré reckons hair straighteners are humanity’s greatest invention

Jack: I guess they must come in handy...if you have curly hair

Louisa: Well yeah, but humanity’s greatest invention? Everybody knows that’s the Internet.

Jack: Nah, it’s gotta be something medical. Antibiotics or something.

Louisa: No point being healthy if you can’t watch funny videos on demand. What d’you think, Scott? Humanity’s greatest invention?

Scott: Straws

Louisa: Why’s that?

Scott: They mean you can drink and eat at the same time, with different sides of your mouth. No more choosing.

Jack: No more chewing either, by the sounds of it

Bus XXXIX

Louisa: Is it true Scott’s been suspended?

Jack: Afraid so. Three days.

Louisa: That’s a shame

Jack: The school takes a tough line on nudity

Louisa: I think he had a point though - it isn’t mentioned in the handbook

Jack: Apparently they felt it was implied

Louisa: Oh well, at least nobody’s gonna forget that fez in a hurry

Jack: True. For better or worse, he’s certainly tainted the legacy of Mr Snick.

Bus XXXVIII

Scott: What’s your leaving present for Mr Snick?

Louisa: Nothing. I hate Mr Snick.

Scott: You hate Mr Snick? How? He’s a legend. He wears a fez!

Louisa: His hands always smell of chalk...and he doesn’t even have a chalkboard, so that must be the actual natural smell of his hands

Scott: Fez trumps all

Louisa: Look, I'm starting to worry about Jack. He's so cut up over Lizzie. It isn't healthy.

Scott: Yeah, whatever. If I start wearing a fez after Mr Snick’s gone, will it look like I’m ripping him off?

Louisa: Yes...unless you can make people stop associating it with him and start associating it with you

Bus XXXVII

All three are sitting across the backseat. Jack is in the middle, visibly depressed. Louisa is drinking cola.

Scott: Can I have a bit?

Louisa: Sure

Louisa passes the bottle to Jack, who passes it to Scott

Scott: Thanks

Louisa: No problem

Scott: Sugar-free? Why not cut my heart out while you’re at it?

Louisa: Believe me, it’s tempting. Do you want some or not?

Scott: Forget it

Scott passes the bottle back to Jack, who this time clings to it with longing

Jack: Does Lizzie smell of flowers, or do flowers smell of Lizzie?

Bus XXXVI

Scott is alone; he dials a number on his mobile phone.

Scott: Hi, this is Scott Buckley. Can I talk to my mum again, please? Just quickly? Thanks.

Pause

Scott: Hi, Mum. Yeah, fine. Just realised I forgot to ask about the earmuffs.

Pause

Scott: Yeah, I reckon they muffle it sometimes anyway

Pause

Scott: Cotton wool would work, I guess

Pause

Scott: Nah, just use tissues for that

Pause

Scott: Don’t worry about it. Take as long as you need.

Pause

Scott: Thanks. Speak soon, Mum. I love you.

Scott puts phone in his pocket, looks out of the window, and sighs

Bus XXXV

Louisa: Y’know, all the major events of my life have happened along this bus route

Jack: How come?

Louisa: Well, obviously I was born in the hospital...

Jack: Is the hospital on this bus route?

Louisa: Yeah

Jack: Okay

Louisa: ...and obviously I went to all the schools...

Jack: Is your Primary on this bus route?

Louisa: Yes!

Jack: Just asking

Louisa: So yeah, a lot of stuff

Jack: What, that’s it? Schools and a hospital? They’re your major events?

Louisa: Well no, my bank’s on this route too. And the office where my mum works. And the lamp-post where I put flowers for Mia every anniversary.

Jack: That’s nothing. Scott’s been knocked down three times on this bus route. He was conceived on this bus route!

Louisa: Well, maybe more stuff will happen to me along here soon

Jack: True. You could be buried in the graveyard, for example.

Louisa: Aren’t they closing that graveyard?

Jack: Yep...but not ‘til July

Bus XXXIV

Jack: Cinema tonight?

Scott: Is Alby coming?

Jack: Alby’s gone

Scott: Gone?

Jack: Yeah, he’s transferred to Brooks Academy

Louisa (in a caricature of Alby’s voice): My long, lonely search for an intellectual equal...continues

Bus XXXIII

Scott: Where’s Jack?

Louisa: He’s cycling to school today

Scott: Cycling? Who the hell cycles to school?

Louisa: Alby does. And I would too if you hadn't leaned my bike against that recycling bin.

Scott: I've said I'm sorry

Louisa: Mmm

Scott: How was the cinema?

Louisa: Okay

Scott: What did you see?

Louisa: It was this 3-D documentary about barnacles

Scott: Barnacles? I s'pose Alby chose that?

Louisa: As a matter of fact, he did. And he seemed to enjoy it, which is what matters.

Scott: Still, wasn’t there anything better on?

Louisa: He only watches documentaries. Says anything else is just fairytales for babies.

Scott: Fairytales for babies?

Louisa: Stop repeating what I say. It's vulgar.

Scott: Vulgar?

Louisa: Yes, now please be quiet. I must finish this by lunchtime, so I can attend Alby’s book group.

Alice & Josh II

'I wish somebody would just stick a knife in my chest and twist and twist.'

'What would that achieve?'

'I might feel something.'

Bus XXXII

Scott: Cinema tonight?

Louisa: Sounds good

Jack: Can Alby come?

Louisa: Who’s Alby?

Scott: Albert Winterson. His new best friend.

Jack: He’s just this new guy in our tutor group. He knows all about Plato and Buddha and Nietzsche. He uses them to show us where we’re going wrong in our lives.

Scott: He’s a dick. Anyone can read a load of books. It takes actual effort to finish Wizard’s Palace III or know who won every World Cup.

Jack: Scott’s what Alby calls an unbeliever. He says all the unbelievers will be vanquished soon.

Louisa: Vanquished? What does that mean?

Jack: I think it means they’ll be flipping burgers for us

Louisa: He can come. Sounds funny.

Scott: I’m not coming if he does

Jack: That’s okay, you wouldn’t be allowed anyway. Alby’s put you on his blacklist.

Bus XXXI

Louisa: Hey, you see the woods over there? Just behind the school.

Jack and Scott turn to see

Scott: They’re on fire!

Louisa: Nah, it’s a controlled burning. Somebody’s chucking books into it.

Jack: Christ, isn’t that the Head Librarian!

Scott: Looks like her

Louisa: So that’s why she wasn’t in at lunchtime!

Jack: You keep close track of her movements?

Louisa: I had a problem bringing back a book. The new check-in system wouldn’t accept it and only the Head Librarian can over-rule the machines. They said I’d have to wait 'til she was in.

Jack: Oh yeah, that happened to Gavin Turndale too. He tried to bring back a book and it wouldn’t let him - and the Head Librarian was, again, missing from the scene – so he got a fine the next day.

Louisa: Doesn’t it seem odd that the new system has made it so easy to take out books and so tricky to bring them back?

Scott: It’s like they want us to keep the books at home

Jack: And now the Head Librarian’s burning some in the woods

Louisa: I guess they just don’t have enough room for all the books anymore. What with the computers and the conference suites and everything.

Bus XXX

Louisa: You been in the new library yet?

Jack: Nope. Is it good?

Louisa: Insanely good. The check-out machines are so fast. They make the old ones seem like some kind of sick joke.

Scott: Yeah, no more standing around. People won’t even know you’re taking books out. You can just pretend you’ve tripped and dropped them in the slot by mistake.

Louisa: I foresee a bright and prosperous future for us all

Bus XXIX

Louisa: I’m so looking forward to the new library. No more odours!

Scott: There’s gonna be a new library?

Louisa: The loud drilling noises didn’t tip you off?

Scott: Figured that's the sound of my heart or lungs or something. I was so pleased I could hear them at last.

Louisa: Well, you must’ve seen all the signs?

Jack: He doesn’t read signs. On principle.

Scott: They cramp my style

Louisa: Cramp your style?

Scott: Yeah. I’d rather fall down a hole than be told to walk on the other side of the road.

Bus XXVIII

Louisa: That donkey's coming in again tomorrow

Jack: What, the same donkey that turned on all the gas taps with its teeth?

Louisa: Yeah, and last week it broke into the PE block and ate all Willy Martin's clothes

Jack: Why the hell do they keep letting this demon donkey onto the grounds?

Louisa: Apparently the sanctuary insisted on a twenty-visit contract. They drive a hard bargain.

Bus XXVII

Louisa: Why're you on the late bus too?

Jack: Fell asleep in Art

Louisa: Oh, bad luck. Detention sucks.

Jack: Nah, nobody noticed so I just slept right through. Only woke up at all cos Mrs Fibonacci was coughing up blood so loudly in the sink.