Bus CXIII

Louisa: Be Christmas soon

Jack: Argh, don't remind me

Louisa: Not looking forward to it this year?

Jack: I never look forward to it. We've been friends for eleven months, and you don't know I hate Christmas?

Louisa: Was hoping you'd change your mind. How can anyone hate Christmas?

Jack: Well, hating things gets easier the more you do it

Bus CXII

Louisa: Did you hear what happened to Mr Halley?

Jack: Who's Mr Halley?

Louisa: Science teacher with the afro

Jack: Don't think I know him

Louisa: He comes to work on a skateboard

Jack: Not ringing any bells

Louisa: Well, he was covering for Miss Caesar yesterday

Jack: Who?

Louisa: You must know Miss Caesar. She has a peg leg. Anyway, Mr Halley decided to show the class a documentary, but he mixed up the discs and accidentally put on a porn film.

Jack: He showed his class porn?

Louisa: The worst part is he went to the toilet as soon as it started running, so it took him five minutes to come back and realise his mistake. By then Paula McIntosh had called her dad to ask some pertinent questions, and the damage was done.

Jack: Ha. Typical Paula.

Louisa: You don't know Paula either, do you?

Jack: Not as such

Louisa: Her dog played piano in assembly that time

Jack: I must've been sick that day

Bus CXI

Jack: I saw your dad in Plumpton last night

Louisa: Oh yeah?

Jack: He was going into a flat up near the big roundabout with the flowers

Louisa: Yeah, a lot of his friends live up there

Jack: Must be really close friends. He had a key and everything.

Louisa: He's a friendly guy. And obviously he has a degree in floristry, so he probably likes being near the big flowers.

Jack: They're not big flowers. There's just a lot of them.

Louisa: Whatever

Jack: Okay, I'm not buying this for a second. Have you guys moved or something?

Louisa: You came round my house three days ago. No, two days ago.

Jack: It was four days ago

Louisa: If you must know, my parents are taking a little time apart. That's just where he's living at the moment.

Jack: Oh man, I wish my parents would do that

Louisa: You'd be welcome to it. I just wish my parents liked each other.

Jack: Well yeah, me too. But I've learned to be realistic.

Bus CX

Louisa coughs violently

Jack: Hey, are you okay?

Louisa: My head's on fire and I feel like I'm about to vomit

Jack: Some of us just call that Monday

Louisa: And these so-called cough sweets aren't working at all

Jack: Probably cos those are breath minths

Louisa: That's no excuse

Jack: Didn't you wonder why your breath was all minty?

Louisa: I thought it was another symptom

Bus CIX

Louisa: Sorry about Lizzie

Jack: Huh?

Louisa: Oh. Nothing.

Jack: What is it?

Louisa: Well, I thought you must've heard. She's got a new boyfriend.

Jack: Oh, okay. I guess that's her business.

Louisa: Wow, I'm glad you're taking it so well

Jack: How did you expect me to take it?

Louisa: Major tantrum. Like your sister when they run out of strawberry ice cream.

Jack: Lizzie uses strawberry shampoo

Louisa: She really doesn't

Jack: Well, she would if her hair didn't naturally taste of strawberries

Louisa: You've tasted her hair?

Jack: Well, I tasted somebody's hair. So who's the lucky guy then? God, it's not Scott, is it? No wonder he hasn't been around much lately.

Louisa: No, Scott's still as lonely and unfulfilled as the rest of us. It's Ronnie Phelps.

Jack: What the fuck? I wish it was Scott. At least he can tie his own shoes.

Louisa: To be fair, Ronnie wears loafers now

Bus CVIII

Jack: God, you're completely soaked

Louisa: Wow, really? I hadn't noticed.

Jack: Where's your coat?

Louisa: I hate coats

Jack: Yeah, all that warmth and dryness could piss anybody off

Louisa: For what it's worth, you piss me off even more

Scott: Guys, I think it's starting to rain

Louisa: Coats make me feel all fat and puffy. And then when it stops raining, I'm stuck dragging a wet, useless lump around with me all day.

Jack: And yet you have no problem hanging around with Scott. What about an umbrella then?

Louisa: They make my arms ache. All that holding.

Jack: So you just walk around getting soaked all the time like a moron?

Louisa: Pretty much

Bus CVII

Jack: It's weird to think we're all gonna die, isn't it

Louisa: I guess...

Jack: You don't think it's weird?

Louisa: I think it's weird that we're having this conversation just before Double Maths

Jack: Oh Lou-Lou, always with the witty punchline. You must fear death more than anyone.

Louisa: Why must I fear death more than anyone? I fear mice and clowns and helium balloons, but not death.

Jack: You fear helium balloons?

Louisa: They defy gravity. It's eerie.

Jack: Doesn't it bother you that one day, everything you know is just gonna end? No resolution. You'll just be gone.

Louisa: Well, I guess there's an upside if you get to see all your enemies die first

Jack: But what about if you die first?

Louisa: Then at least I don't have to live in the same world as my enemies

Jack: What about if you and your enemies all die at the same time, and you're stuck up in the afterlife together?

Louisa: Damn

Bus CVI

Louisa: Have you guys got a costume for Halloween yet?

Jack: Yeah, I'm going as you

Louisa: That's nice. How about you, Scott?

Scott: Yeah, I'm going as Finkelstein

Louisa: Frankenstein?

Scott: No, Finkelstein

Louisa: Well, who's Finkelstein?

Scott: Just a guy who used to live next door to me

Louisa: Not very Halloweeny

Scott: Well, he had bolts in his neck

Jack: I remember him!

Louisa: What happened?

Scott: Oh, he moved away years ago

Louisa: No, I mean how did he end up with bolts in his neck?

Jack: Apparently there was an old unexploded bomb under his toolshed

Bus CV

Louisa: Don't forget the clocks go back tonight

Scott: I'm not falling for that crap again after last year

Louisa: What happened last year?

Scott: I went to take my alarm clock back to where I'd bought it, and the shop wasn't even open at 2am

Bus CIV

Jack: These new shoes are killing me. Why didn't you talk me out of buying them?

Scott: Cos I wasn't there

Jack: That's your excuse for everything

Scott: Have you tried cutting holes in the sides?

Jack: Then they'd just be wet as well as tight

Louisa: Hey, some people would pay good money for that

Jack: I guess this is what I deserve for getting out of bed in the morning

Bus CIII

Louisa: Did you hear about Mr Finch?

Jack: What about him?

Louisa: He got arrested!

Jack: How come?

Louisa: You know how he uses his periscope to catch skivers? It turns out he stole it from the Submarine Museum on last year's trip, and when we went back there last week the staff recognised it.

Jack: Wow, returning to the scene of the crime. Rookie mistake. Why did he bring his periscope anyway?

Louisa: Well, he knew there was going to be a real-life submarine captain there, and he wanted to get it signed

Bus CII

Scott: Shit, I forgot my project

Louisa: Is your sister around? Maybe she can bring it in for you.

Scott: How can I tell her I need it though? She doesn't have a phone.

Louisa: Since when?

Scott: Well, she got sacked a couple of weeks ago...

Louisa: Oh Scott, I'm sorry

Jack: So she can't afford her phone plan anymore?

Scott: No, she just left her phone at work

Jack: And then the building was demolished?

Scott: Well, she was too embarrassed to go back and get it

Louisa: You know what she should do? Wait one evening ‘til all the people she knows have gone home, and then ask one of the friendly cleaners to let her in to get the phone back.

Jack: That might’ve worked on the first day, but it’ll have been found and locked away with the other lost property by now.

Louisa: Lost property! When will people learn?

Bus CI

Louisa: You guys wanna come out Saturday night?

Scott: Not me

Louisa: Why’s that?

Scott: I’m just not doing Saturdays anymore. It’s too much hassle.

Louisa: What hassle?

Scott: Y’know, putting clothes on and all. Besides, I’ve got a hole in my shoe and there’s rain forecast all weekend.

Louisa: That all seems reasonable. How about you, Jack?

Jack: I’m gonna pass too. It’s so rough round here on Saturday nights now. A few weeks back I saw two gangs fighting over whose turn it was to smash up the phone-box.

Louisa: Jeez, I thought you were gonna at least let something bad happen to you before you became a shut-in

Bus C

Jack: Working on another article for the School Gazette?

Louisa: Yep

Jack: Do you ever do any actual schoolwork anymore?

Louisa: Not really. Mrs Jamboree thinks schoolwork is a waste of time.

Jack: Kind of an odd position for a teacher

Scott: Well, who'd know better than her?

Jack: So what's your article about?

Louisa: It's an exposé of the school's Gifted scheme

Jack: The one you're part of?

Louisa: I may have been working to bring it down from the inside, yeah

Jack: You've eaten an awful lot of Gifted candy for somebody who's only there to bring it down from the inside

Scott: You guys get candy?

Louisa: I'll give you some later, Scott. Right now I need you to give me some quotes about how it feels for those elitist pigs to get special candy and extra trips.

Jack: He's fine, aren't you, Scott? Something tells me he didn't have a burning desire to visit the Submarine Museum last week.

Louisa: C'mon, Scott, tell me how it feels in your own words. Would you say you're more disgusted or ashamed?

Scott: I don't really get the big deal. Apart from the candy, I mean. If you guys are so smart, maybe you should get some perks.

Jack: See, Scott doesn't need you to speak for him

Scott: Yeah, I...

Jack: Ssh, Scott. I've got this.

Louisa: Who's to say being smart is even a good thing? What if there was a special scheme for only tall students? Or only girls?

Jack: Er, what about the basketball team? Or the Feminist Society? Besides, c'mon, everyone knows being smart is a good thing

Louisa: Says who? Smart people, by any chance?

Scott: Well, they must know what they’re talking about. How else did they get to be so smart?

Bus XCIX

Louisa: How come you never thank the bus driver?

Jack: Huh?

Louisa: When you get off the bus. I've noticed you never say thank you to the bus driver.

Jack: Why would I?

Louisa: Well, it's friendly, is all.

Jack: I wake up, I brush my teeth, I put on clothes. Now I have to be friendly as well?

Louisa: Okay, enough said

Jack: He's the only person on the bus who's getting paid to be here. What more does he want? A hug when he honks his horn? A pat on the back if he makes a really smashing left turn? A round of applause every time he reaches the school without killing us all in a fiery wreckage? This is his job.

Louisa: I know it's his job. That's why I always thank him.

Bus XCVIII

Louisa: Where's the love, losers? We haven't talked in ages.

Jack: It hasn't been that long. A week or two maybe.

Scott: Feels like longer

Jack: Besides, I've been busy

Louisa: Why's that?

Jack: Well, if you must know, I've been writing a story

Louisa: Oh. Cool.

Jack: Would you like to read it?

Louisa: I guess

Jack hands her a few sheets of paper from his bag

Jack: So what've you been up to, Scotty?

Scott: Not much, really. I keep having this horrible dream though.

Jack: That's nice

Scott: Yeah, I keep dreaming that I'm in this story that someone made up, but then they lose interest in me and I...

Louisa: Cease to exist?

Scott: Yeah

Louisa: Wow, that's pretty deep

Jack: Aren't you supposed to be reading?

Louisa: I'm done

Jack: That was quick

Louisa: I'm a speed reader

Jack: So what did you think?

Louisa: I have a few questions

Jack: Fire away

Louisa: Well, why is it all in rhyming couplets?

Jack: Duh. The main character's a poet, so it's like he views his whole life through the medium of poetry.

Louisa: They're not very good couplets

Jack: Well, maybe he's not a very good poet

Louisa: Okay, then why are all the characters called Jimmy? Isn't that a bit confusing? Even the dog's called Jimmy

Jack: (snatching it back): It’s not my fault if you can’t understand the complexity of my work