Dialogue

‘Hi.’

‘Hey, where are you?’

‘On the bus.’

‘On the bus? Where’s the car?’

‘Car park.’

‘What car park?’

‘The supermarket car park.’

‘You’ve left the car in the car park, so you can take the bus? With people?’

‘It’s not ideal, I know, but there was a guy...’

‘A guy? Are you okay?’

‘No, I’m fine, it’s just...he was a homeless guy.’

‘Yeah?’

‘I came out of the supermarket, and I put the groceries in the boot, and then I suddenly realised I needed the toilet, and I knew there’d be a big traffic jam so I didn’t wanna have to wait all that time...’

‘Fair enough.’

‘So I went back in, and I must’ve forgotten to lock the car...’

‘The car got stolen?’

‘I’ve already told you it’s in the car park. And besides, I had the key with me.’

‘They can do that thing with the wires...’

‘I went back in and used the toilet, and as I was coming out I saw this girl I knew at school, and she started talking to me, and it took me ages to get away, and by the time I came back...a homeless guy was asleep in the backseat.’

‘What the fuck? He just got in somebody’s car and fell asleep?’

‘I guess he was sleepy.’

‘So did you wake him up?’

‘It’s probably the best sleep he’s had in ages.’

‘But that’s not the real reason, is it?’

‘He looked so peaceful.'

‘So we’re just gonna leave the car there until this homeless guy’s had enough?’

‘He’ll probably leave tomorrow.’

‘Why would he? Getting a whole night’s sleep will only boost his confidence. He’ll think the vehicle’s been abandoned.’

‘He’ll have to come out to eat.’

‘There’s groceries in the boot!’

‘They’ll only last a few days. He’ll definitely have to come out then, and when he does, we’ll drive off.’

‘So now we’re staking out our own car?

‘We can do shifts.’

‘I already do shifts.’

'Good, then you'll know how to timetable them.'

[Excerpt]

‘Em?’ called Carol, knocking on the bathroom door.

Her daughter didn’t reply.

‘Em? You know how I believe in adolescent privacy and all that, but I really need to come in right now.’

‘I’m busy.’

‘In the bathroom? Please, I think I’m going to vomit.’

‘I’m naked.’

‘Oh, that kind of busy.’

‘Eurgh, no. Fine, come in.’

‘Thanks, hon-‘, Carol began but didn’t finish because, due to a poorly placed doormat, she tripped and discharged the contents of her stomach all over the threshold.

‘Is there any food in that at all?’ asked Emily, surveying the glutinous puddle.

‘There was a slice of lime,’ her mother muttered, leaning against the bath for support. ‘There was definitely a slice of lime. What’re you up to, honey?’

‘Feeling depressed,’ she sighed, drawing a smiley face on the steamed-up window and then slashing a row of prison bars to contain it.

‘That’s nice.’

‘I said I’m feeling depressed,’ she repeated, running the cold tap to remove a smudge of dirt from her finger.

‘No problem, but try to keep the noise down.’

‘In fact, I was thinking I might kill myself.’

‘Good for you, champ.’ Carol went downstairs for a glass of water.

Bus XCVII

Louisa: So what d’you think?

Jack: Huh?

Louisa: The Gazette? You’ve been reading it for ten minutes!

Jack: Oh, I’m trying to do the crossword in my head. It’s tricky, cos I keep forgetting which lines I’ve already solved.

Louisa: Haven’t you read my articles? I’ve been waiting for your response.

Jack: Oh, did you write the one about nappies?

Louisa: That was an advert

Jack: How about the mouthwash one?

Louisa: Also an advert

Jack: Oh, I did think the headline was a bit harsh: ‘Only a total loser would let their teeth decay’

Louisa: Yep, the School Gazette is brought to you by...corporate brainwashing

Jack: Well, I guess they couldn’t pay the bills otherwise. Besides, only a total loser would let themselves be influenced by it.

Bus XCVI

Louisa (miserable): Mrs Jamboree dumped my first article from the Gazette

Jack: The one about lowering English standards?

Louisa: I spent so long working on it too, and now they’re just gonna bury it cos they didn’t like me criticising the school

Jack: Did she even give an excuse?

Louisa: Yeah, some bullshit about how I was using too many three-syllable words

Bus XCV

Scott: I hope Jack’s okay

Louisa: They’re doing tests, but the doctor seemed to think it was just exhaustion. He’s staying home for a few days to rest.

Scott: Maybe it was the fumes

Louisa: Fumes?

Scott: From the bus

Louisa: Aren’t the fumes usually pumped out the back?

Scott: That’s what they tell you, but my grandma always wore a gas-mask on the bus so they couldn’t get to her. I figured they’d never target kids, but maybe it’s time we started wearing gas-masks too.

Louisa: Yeah, I might do that. Have you thought about taking a few days off yourself? With all this vigilance, I think you've earned it.

Bus XCIV

Jack: I hate it when people interrupt me

Louisa: Do you think I should get a bouncy castle for my birthday party?

Jack: Not crazy about being ignored either

Louisa: I love bouncy castles

Jack: Can I finish my thought please? I was leading up to an anecdote.

Louisa: Did I ever tell you about Lorrie Blackman? She had the best bouncy castle. I still dream about it sometimes.

Jack: Aren’t we getting a little old for bouncy castles?

Louisa: Who says you’ll be invited?

Jack: Because if I’m not, it’ll just be you, Scott, and that girl you sit next to in Physics

Louisa: Maybe I’ll keep the bouncy castle all to myself

Jack: It’ll barely bounce if you’re the only person on it

Louisa: Then I’ll hire people to pretend to be my friends and bounce on it

Jack: Go ahead and do that

Louisa: If I do, it won’t be cos you gave me permission

Jack: Fine, whatever. Now, what was I saying before?

Louisa shrugs

Jack: Oh yeah, I hate it when people interr---

Bus XCIII

Louisa: I just got a job

Scott: Really?

Louisa: Well, not a real job...but I’m gonna be writing some articles for the School Gazette. Miss Daniels recommended me.

Jack: Waste of time

Louisa: At least I can put it on my CV. Employers care about that stuff.

Jack: So what? Shouldn’t school be about something more than just training people for work? When did everyone become so obsessed with jobs?

Louisa: Round about the time there weren’t any left. You should think about doing some extra-curricular activities yourself.

Jack: Why would I bother?

Louisa: Helps you stand out from the crowd

Jack: I never consented to be part of any crowd

Louisa: Nobody consents to be born. Doesn’t change the way things are.

Jack: I like to think I can withhold consent to my birth, in principle, by not consenting to anyone else’s

Louisa: Thank God you aren’t writing for the Gazette. Half the school would be on anti-depressants.

Bus XCII

Louisa: Hi

Jack: Do you ever feel like we’re devaluing words through overuse?

Louisa: I only said ‘hi’

Jack: No, seriously. There are some words I’ve heard so many times they don’t even seem to mean anything anymore.

Louisa: I guess I know what you mean. Jane Salter called me a Fascist the other day cos I wouldn’t share my muffin with her.

Jack: And people casually fill up silences with mindless small talk

Louisa: So you’re moving to abolish small talk?

Jack: Maybe we just need new words. Ones with fresh meanings.

Louisa: Okay. Instead of ‘okay’, from now on we’ll say...

Jack: ‘Tüd’

Louisa: Random, but I like it

Jack: ‘Like’ can be...’yipyip’

Louisa: Tüd. What’s ‘dislike’?

Jack: ‘Nipnip’

Louisa: Too much like ‘yes’ and ‘no’

Jack: You’re right. How about ‘boogoo’?

Louisa: Tüd

Jack: We need some variation on tüd. It’ll get boring to say the same word all the time.

Louisa: Boogoo

Jack: That’s ‘dislike’

Louisa: I know, I'm vetoing your idea. We need to take it 'fugfug' for now. If these first words work out, we can 'moomoo' more later.

Jack: Tüd. Next we should probably have some words for ‘I’ and ‘you’.

Louisa: ‘I’ can be ‘pim’

Jack: And ‘you’ can be ‘din’

Louisa: ‘Tüdtüd’

Jack: ‘Super-okay’?

Louisa: Seemed logical

Jack: ‘Pimtüd’. ‘I agree’.

Louisa: And ‘pimyip’ can be ‘I like’. This is going tüdtüd so far.

Jack: People will think we’re ‘hemhem’ though

Louisa: ‘Pimboogoo’ people

Jack: We need a word for ‘people’

Louisa: ‘Dindies’?

Jack: That would be ‘you people’. We need ‘those people’.

Louisa: ‘Rindies’?

Jack: ‘Pimyip rin’. ‘Those’ and ‘that’ can double up for the moment.

Louisa: Tüd

Jack: We need a word for ‘our’, ‘us’, and ‘we’

Louisa: ‘Bim’

Jack: Tüdtüd

Louisa: Since bim saying ‘word’ so often...

Jack: ‘Word’ can be ‘gerty’. And ‘sentence’ can be ‘sabgerty’.

Scott enters

Scott: Hey guys

Louisa: We don’t have a greeting-gerty

Jack: I didn’t think bim need to greet rindies anymore

Louisa: Our greeting can be ‘jovo’

Jack: Pimyip rin

Louisa: Jovo, Scott

Scott: Huh?

Louisa: Bim moomoo new gerties. ‘We’re making up new words’.

Scott: Why?

Jack: To add more meaning to our sentences. Or should I say, ‘bim sabgerties’.

University XIII

Ivy: You bitch. You fucking bitch.

Alice: Babe, it didn’t mean anything. It was just sex, that’s all. What we have...

Ivy: What we had. What we had.

Alice: Please...

Ivy: And that’s how couples argue?

Alice: So I’m told

Ivy: Glad we’re not like that. Too much drama.

Alice: Tell me about it

University XII

Eliza: Apparently they’re having a load of events up at the Students' Union this week. Want to go?

Alice: Maybe. What kind of stuff?

Eliza: Club Night. Disco Night. Rave Night. The options are endless.

University XI

Ivy: What’s happening?

Alice: Just doing some background reading for tomorrow’s presentation

Ivy: Honey, you’re supposed to do that before you start writing it

Alice: And I will

June/July

A secret shame,
Hath warped my mind,
And loosened all the ties that bind.

A private joy,
Hath warped my mind,
And left the thronging crowd behind.

Please

Please don’t laugh at her,
I’d miss her, were she dead,
Leave her free to err,
And laugh at me instead.

Girl

Girl, she’s looking good,
Sleek and soft, the brand new hair,
Beneath a vomit-tainted hood,
In the torture chair.

Forsaken [Scene 6]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. GOLGOTHA – AFTERNOON, BUT DARK
Quiet grunting as Jesus writhes on the Cross.

VAMPIRE
A few questions

JESUS
(gasps)
Very well

VAMPIRE
Why is it dark in the middle of the day? Your Father’s work?

JESUS
Yes

VAMPIRE
And where has the crowd gone?

JESUS
They were frightened. They know not what they do.

VAMPIRE
Why doesn’t He tell them? Why doesn’t He save you?

JESUS
It wouldn’t be right

VAMPIRE
(making an awkward joke)
Families, eh? I killed mine.

JESUS
How is Judas Iscariot? Does he enjoy his land?

VAMPIRE
Not anymore. When he heard you were to be crucified, he walked out in the middle of it and burnt away in the sunlight.

Gasping

VAMPIRE
I’m sorry, Lord.

JESUS
(weaker)
I forgive you

VAMPIRE
I could cut you down. I could even turn you.

JESUS
No

VAMPIRE
Please, let me help you

Vampire’s hand sizzles as he touches the Cross

VAMPIRE
The Cross burns me! Why?

JESUS
My Father is less forgiving.
(beat)
He wants you to feel a little of my pain.
(beat)
Forever more.

Gasping

JESUS
Go now
(beat)
The Sun will return.
(beat)
It is finished.

Forsaken [Scene 5]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. CHURCHYARD – NIGHT

PRIEST
"Then entered Satan into Judas surnamed Iscariot, being of the number of the twelve." Luke 22:3.

VAMPIRE
Somebody knows his stuff

PRIEST
You didn’t need to make Judas a vampire

VAMPIRE
I was hungry. And I needed to be sure he’d listen. It’s easier to do evil when everyone expects it of you.

PRIEST
How did you know the priests were planning to arrest Jesus?

VAMPIRE
I’d killed one the night before. I do so love the taste of self-righteousness. So, are you impressed?

PRIEST
I’m sickened. You conspired to kill the Son of God.

VAMPIRE
Yes, I did. Be sure to thank me for the salvation of mankind too.

PRIEST
Your intentions were evil. Any happy result was coincidental.

VAMPIRE
Where was your precious saviour when I needed saving? And where is he now, when you need him?

PRIEST
He’ll be there, on the other side

VAMPIRE
Yeah, maybe.

Priest screams as the vampire bites him

Forsaken [Scene 4]

A radio play written with Pasha
 

EXT. ANCIENT JERUSALEM STREET - NIGHT
Sound of revellers in the distance. Footsteps down a dark alley.

VAMPIRE
You there!

JUDAS
Yes?

VAMPIRE
You’re one of those Christians, aren’t you?

JUDAS
(boastful)
Indeed, I’m a close personal friend of the Messiah himself

VAMPIRE
I’d keep that quiet if I were you. Your man Jesus is starting to make a lot of enemies. Offending the powerful and ignoring the powerless.

JUDAS
He’d never ignore anyone in need

VAMPIRE
Oh, wouldn’t he? Then why are we all still at the mercy of Rome? And why did he turn me away when I asked him for help?

JUDAS
(scared)
Wait, you’re the demon who came to our fireside!

VAMPIRE
I’m not a demon

JUDAS
Your wiles won’t work here, demon

VAMPIRE
What wiles? All I’m saying is: can you honestly claim you’re completely satisfied with your Messiah?

JUDAS

(reluctant)
I did hope he might take more decisive action, but all in good time

VAMPIRE
You’ve devoted the best years of your life to following this man, and what has he ever done for you?

JUDAS
He’s shown me many great miracles

VAMPIRE
Miracles are fine, but will Jesus be there when you need a little money in your old age?

JUDAS
There are more important things than money

VAMPIRE
For Jesus, yes. He’ll never be short of admirers to help him out. But what about a poor, lowly disciple? Wouldn’t you like a piece of land to call your own?

JUDAS
I suppose so, yes, but I could never leave his service

VAMPIRE
If only you could make a little money for yourself, and also encourage the Messiah to be more decisive. It’d be a perfect situation for you, wouldn’t it?

JUDAS
In theory

VAMPIRE
Well then, how would you like to know that the chief priests are planning to arrest Jesus?

JUDAS
That’s terrible! I must warn him!

VAMPIRE
Why? If he’s as wonderful as you claim, won’t he be able to convince them of his rightness? And if they’re going to arrest him anyway, why not profit a little from it? Once you have the ear of the priests, you might even be able to intercede on his behalf.

JUDAS
I suppose...

VAMPIRE
Good. See, it’s only logic. No tricks. Now...

Judas screams as the vampire bites him

Forsaken [Scene 3]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. CHURCHYARD – NIGHT

PRIEST
Jesus? You met Jesus? Why should I believe you?

VAMPIRE
Why would I lie?

PRIEST
You’ve spent two thousand years drinking blood, but you baulk at a lie?

VAMPIRE
Lying is optional. Free will and all that. I drink blood because I have to.

PRIEST
You could’ve killed yourself, and rid us all of your evil

VAMPIRE
A lot of us sinners do eventually. Judas, for example.

Forsaken [Scene 2]

A radio play written with Pasha

EXT. ANCIENT JERUSALEM - NIGHT
Fire crackling. Low murmurs. Eating sounds.

FOLLOWER #1
Here he comes. Jesus of Nazareth.

An eerie hush falls.

JESUS
Thank you, brothers and sisters, for joining us tonight. Now, is there anyone here who would ask for my help?

JEWISH WOMAN
Lord, my son is blind

JESUS
Bring him here

Baby shrieks

JESUS
(tenderly)
Calm, child.

Sound of mud being gathered from the ground. Jesus spits.

JEWISH WOMAN
(upset)
You spit in my son's eyes?

JESUS
Have faith. Bathe your child in the tub, and he shall be healed.

Splashing water. Silence for a moment.

JEWISH WOMAN
(overjoyed)
His eyes follow my hand! It is a miracle!

DOUBTER
Cheap tricks

FOLLOWER #2
It seems the blind are plentiful tonight

DOUBTER
Even if you can heal – and I’m not saying I believe it, mind - they say you’ve healed on the Sabbath. And in the synagogues, no less. Isn’t that a sin?

FOLLOWER #2
Don't you people know better than to contradict the Messiah?

JESUS
Calm, brother. It is a common enough question, and well meant. I ask you, sir, would you rescue your sheep from a ditch on the Sabbath?

DOUBTER #2
Of course. That is unavoidable.

JESUS
And would you lead it to water on the Sabbath?

DOUBTER #2
Again, that is unavoidable

JESUS
But you would deny such courtesies to this woman, a daughter of Abraham? Remember the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. Now, who else requires my services?

Silence

JESUS
Nobody? You there, come into the firelight.

VAMPIRE
Me?

JESUS
Yes, I sense great unease in you.

VAMPIRE
No, I’m fine

JESUS
Nevertheless, come into the firelight

Footsteps.

JESUS
I thought so. Tell me, what ails you?

VAMPIRE
Nothing at all. I’m quite well.

JESUS
But you came here to ask me something. What was it?

VAMPIRE
(reluctant)
Well...

JESUS
Please, you’re among friends here

VAMPIRE
Is it true you’ve performed exorcisms?

Gasps

JESUS
(Unfazed)
It is. Are you in need of one?

VAMPIRE
I believe so

JESUS
Why?

VAMPIRE
I can’t go out in sunlight. Or daylight, even. It burns my skin.

JESUS
That doesn’t sound like a possession

DOUBTER #2
Sounds like an excuse not to do any work

VAMPIRE
There’s something else. A hunger.

Baby shrieks

JESUS
What do you hunger?

VAMPIRE
Blood

Gasps.

JESUS
(matter-of-fact)
There’s nothing I can do for you

VAMPIRE
There must be!

JESUS
I’m sorry.

VAMPIRE
But they say you can help anyone. They say you’re the greatest man who ever lived.

JESUS
You are beyond help

VAMPIRE
(desperate)
Please, I need an exorcism!

JESUS
An exorcism would be of no use here. You are not merely possessed by a demon.
(beat)
You are become a demon.

Screams from crowd. Some people begin to run away.

VAMPIRE
No, I’m not a demon! I have a family!

JESUS
(calling out to the crowd)
I’m afraid this gathering must end now. Thank you for coming. I hope to see you all again soon.

VAMPIRE
Please help me! I don’t want to be like this anymore! I just want to see my family again. Ever since...I’ve been too ashamed.

JESUS
You were bitten, yes?

VAMPIRE
Yes.

Crowd sounds fading away

JESUS
You don’t belong to God anymore. You’re...something else.

VAMPIRE
What, what am I? Who do I belong to? Who can help me?

JESUS
(pouring the tub of water over the fire)
I don't know.