Ah, Prime Minister II

Home Secretary: I’ve had an idea

PM: Oh yes? I’d better sit down.

Home Secretary: Well, you know how you’ve been saying that we need to give the public a morale boost? Take their minds off the recession, sort of thing?

PM (excitedly): Yes, yes, have you thought of something?

Home Secretary: I’m pleased to say I have

PM: Out with it then

Home Secretary: Well, who would you say is the ultimate British hero? Somebody who unites the nation like no other?

PM: Nelson?

Home Secretary: More contemporary than that

PM: Umm...one of those footballers?

Home Secretary: No, I was thinking of...

PM: Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me! I want to guess. Somebody very modern?

Home Secretary: Not very modern, but modern enough

PM: Musical?

Home Secretary: No, but you’re getting closer

PM: Am I indeed? Umm, Paul McCartney?

Home Secretary: If you remember, we said not musical...

PM: Did we? Must’ve slipped my mind.

Home Secretary: I think I’d better tell you...

PM: Oh, alright then. Why must you always spoil the game?

Home Secretary: I was thinking of James Bond

PM: Oh, I see. But he’s fictional. How can he help us?

Home Secretary: He can help us by inspiring the people. You see, I believe that we can persuade them to let us write the script for the next James Bond film.

PM: Us? You and I?

Home Secretary: Well no, we’ll get some of the speech guys to do the actual writing, but I have a plot. It’ll feature 007 chasing down people who are spending money on foreign goods, and persuading them to buy British in future.

PM: I see. It doesn’t sound very exciting...

Home Secretary: I’m sure we can throw in a few bunfights or something. But you see, Bond is such a popular brand that he'll definitely encourage the public round to our way of thinking.

PM: All the same, the Opposition are bound to mock. Come to that, I don’t imagine hardcore Bond fans will much like us meddling with the franchise....

Home Secretary: Ah, but you haven’t heard the title yet. Brace yourself. We’re calling it ‘Hey, Big Spender!’.

PM: I see...

Home Secretary: A big, attention-grabbing title. Witty and concise. And they can use that Shirley Bassey recording as the theme tune. You know how people loved the Shirley Bassey days – they’ll say it’s a return to classic Bond.

PM: And I suppose it’s entirely coincidental that you’re President of that Shirley Bassey fan club?

Home Secretary: Entirely, I assure you

PM: I’m afraid that assurance would carry rather more weight if I wasn’t still haunted by the memory of your ‘Shirley for Schools’ program. A copy of her Greatest Hits for every child – you made me a laughing stock!

Home Secretary: Scientific studies show that listening to the Dame greatly increases learning capacity and lifts mood...

PM: Yes, studies funded by your department

Home Secretary: I hope you’re not suggesting that...

PM: No, of course not. I’m sure the studies were accurate, but try telling that to the parents – or the Education Secretary, for that matter.

Home Secretary: Fine, if you don’t like my idea...

PM: Don’t be upset. I simply can’t risk any more political capital on Shirley Bassey. It’s not as if the free CDs were your only idea in that direction – what about the TV special?

Home Secretary: I don’t believe I recall...

PM: ‘Shirley Entertains the Troops’. The press mauled me.

Home Secretary: Oh yes, it does sound vaguely familiar. Was I behind that idea?

PM: Who else would be? You know the rest of the Cabinet prefer Tina Turner.