Man Walks Into A Bar

Barman: Hiya, what’ll it be?

Customer: I’d like a hat please.

Barman: That some kinda cocktail? How do you make it?

Customer: I’m not certain - but it involves felt. Can I have my hat please?

Barman: A hat? This is a bar! We don’t sell hats!

Customer: That’s handy, because I don’t want to buy a hat.

Barman (relieved): What’ll it be then?

Customer: I’d like my hat please.

Barman (angry): Look, if you’re gonna mess around...

Customer: I’m not messing around. Just want my hat. Left it here on Friday.

Barman (comprehension dawns): Oh I see. Left your hat here? I didn’t find it.

Customer (insistent): Well it must be here.

Barman: How can you be sure?

Customer: Because whenever I walk somewhere, I wear it. Meaning I could only lose it while I’m sitting down.

Barman: And this is the only place you sat down on Friday?

Customer: I’ve already checked the other pubs I went in that day.

Barman: Big drinker?

Customer: Not especially. I enjoy a tipple now and then.

Barman: Well I’m sorry, but you didn’t leave your hat here. I would have found it.

Customer: Fine.

Barman (glad they finally seem to be agreeing on something): Fine.

Customer (turning to leave): I’ll be going to the police station then.

Barman (worried): Why?

Customer: To press charges against you.

Barman (even more worried): For what?

Customer: Stealing my hat.

Barman (desperate): You can’t be certain you left it here! Didn’t you go anywhere but pubs on Friday?

Customer (affronted): Of course I did. Off licence.

Barman: And?

Customer (shaking head): Checked there. They don’t have it.

Barman: What about work? Couldn’t you have left it there?

Customer: No, I’m not allowed to wear my hat at work.

Barman (genuinely interested): Why not?

Customer (sighing): They got sick of me hiding whiskey underneath it.

Barman (knowingly): I see. So you are a big drinker?

Customer: That an accusation?

Barman: No, it’s an observation. Look, what makes you think I’ve stolen your hat?

Customer (simply): You’re wearing it.

Barman (removing own hat to examine it): This old thing? I’ve had it for years!

Customer (suspicious): Never seen you wearing it before

Barman: I save it for weekends. And how would you even know? Never seen you in here before!

Customer: I wore disguises. Don’t want people to see me in pubs. They might get the wrong idea.

Barman (with renewed politeness): Whatever you say, sir. I still haven’t got your hat.

Customer (shrugging): Let’s see what the police make of it.

Barman (urgently): I don’t want any trouble! How about a drink on the house and we’ll say no more about it?

Customer (wanting to clarify the situation): Are you trying to bribe me?

Barman: Two drinks.

Customer: Make it three.

Barman: Three drinks and we’ll say no more about it?

Customer (extending hand): Deal.

Barman (grudgingly shaking it): Alrighty then. What’ll it be?’

Customer (automatically): I’ll have a pint of vodka please.