Ah, Prime Minister!

Parliamentary Meeting Room. Ministers are seated around a table. Door opens.

John: Ah, Prime Minister! Ready to start?

PM (looks uncomfortable as he sits down): Yes, I think so. Have you a copy of the agenda? I wore a hole in mine...from reading it so much.

John: A hole, Prime Minister?

PM (impatient): Yes, a hole. Could I please look at yours?

John (hands it to PM): It would be my pleasure.

PM: Ah yes, the Parliamentary vending machines. Something to chew over. Let’s start then, shall we?

John: Yes, I thought we’d quickly deal with that before moving on to more pressing matters...

PM: Moving on? I imagine that subject alone will occupy us for a good hour. But we shall see, we shall see.

John: In that case, Prime Minister, perhaps you’d consider discussing the Fuel Crisis first?

PM: Well, if you insist...

Home Secretary: If I might interrupt, I’d very much like to discuss the vending machines first – it’s of the outmost urgency. Some Ministers with allergies aren’t being properly catered for.



One Hour Later


PM: So we’re willing to sacrifice chocolate peanuts, provided ordinary peanuts are available?

Ministers murmur and nod assent

PM: Very good. Now then, what about crisps?

John (leans over to whisper in PM’s ear): Umm Prime Minister, time is running rather short.

PM (looks at watch): So it is! Alright then, we’ll continue this discussion next week – and shift everything else on the agenda to then as well.

John (alarmed): Prime Minister, the Fuel Crisis...

PM: Yes, next week.

Home Secretary: Isn’t next week the start of Lent?

PM (thinks for a moment): Christ, I think you’re right! Forgotten about that. Well, we can’t hold any meetings during Lent. George, shift everything on the agenda back by forty days and forty nights.

John: Prime Minister, the Fuel Crisis won’t wait forty days!

Home Secretary (to John): He’s the Prime Minister! I think he understands what’s best for the nation, don’t you?

John (ignoring Home Secretary): Prime Minister, is it necessary to celebrate Lent? I mean, you’re an elected official and the public expects...

PM: Of course it’s necessary to celebrate Lent! Don’t want people remembering me as the Infidel Prime Minister!

Home Secretary (nods firmly): We must celebrate Lent

John (incredulous): For forty days?

PM: And forty nights. Well then gentlemen, crisps will have to wait, but I’ll instruct the kitchen staff to make the other changes we’ve agreed upon. Good day.

Ministers leave

PM: Have you ever played badminton, George?

John: Badminton, Prime Minister?

PM: Yes, badminton. You know, shuttlecocks - little feathery things.

John: I’ve played it once or twice. Why d’you ask?

PM: Playing the Home Secretary next week. He’s always bragging about some trophy he won. I really want to wipe the smug grin off his face.